After reading this delightful Manhattan Socialite’s hilarious send up of Maine, I got to thinking mayhap a Mainer should respond in kind to the waves and waves of sophisticated and culturally aware New Yorkers inundating our fair shores every summer.
That’s when I got to work creating “The Test.”
It is a free, simple, quick, test designed to keep only the most abrasive of the Empire State’s citizens out. And honestly, I’ve never had a problem with a New Yorker from Buffalo, Schenectady, Binghamton, Plattsburg, or the Finger Lakes Region. But the downstate borough-dwellers and those surrounding New York City by maybe 75 miles. And all of Long Island would need to be tested before being allowed in the Boothbay Region. We would also test for steroids.
Please don’t look at this test as unconstitutional and depriving American citizens of their rights to travel freely. Look at it as though Mainers, as a gentle peace-loving folk, need to stem a recurring tide of loud, aggressive, annoying, self-centered Fireball whiskey drinkers on steroids from inflicting untold irritation on an otherwise peaceful peninsula.
Please don’t write the Boothbay Register advising all your friends to avoid Maine because you didn’t get to threaten you’re going to tell all your friends not to come up to Maine this year. You will only be exposing yourself as a loud, abrasive, self-centered New Yorker with thin skin that possibly drinks Fireball whiskey and does steroids.
Everyone gets this is tongue-in-cheek, right?
OK. Let’s go.
Question #1) A cannonball weighing 35lbs is shot into the air at an angle of 37 degrees with a air velocity of 300 ft/sec. How long will it take for a New Yorker in Boothbay Harbor to mention that the Patriots suck?
a) 0-1 seconds
b) 1-2 seconds
c) 2-3 seconds
d) 3-4 seconds
Question #2) True or False: Throwing a muffin from your bagged lunch at a passing whale is acceptable behavior.
TRUE | FALSE
Question #3) You are out to dinner and the waiter asks you what you’d like to drink and you say “Just gimmie watta” with a dismissive wave of your hand and a roll of your eyes. What is the probability that your water will have sputum in it?
Question #4) You are in Boothbay Harbor for the first time. You drive down Oak Street where it intersects with Townsend Ave. and come to a full stop. You see a car go through the intersection. You assume it is a 4-way stop and pull out into the intersection. The following car on Townsend Ave. doesn’t stop and beeps lightly at you. You:
a) Look to see if cross traffic has a stop sign. When you realize there is no stop sign, you acknowledge that you were wrong with a jovial wave of the hand and a smile.
b) Lean your head out the window, scream obscentites, and spit in the direction of the passing car and the next passing car.
c) The same as in answer b) except you force your way through the intersection by aggressively blocking the next car on Townsend Ave with your vehicle and both middle fingers.
d) Same as in answer c) except you strangle a hobo as soon as you get back to New York.
Question #5) You are at the bar at Robinsons Wharf. They are short-staffed and they are very, very busy. You are having trouble getting a drink. You:
a) Scream down the bar, “HEY. HEY. HEY…. HEY! HEY… HEY… HEY YOU. YOU… BARTENDER…. HEY!!!! HEY BARTENDER!!!! BARTENDER!! HEY!!!! HEY……”
b) Do the exact same thing as in answer a) except wave a $20 bill, howl obnoxiously, and pound the bar with your fists.
c) Find out the bartender’s name and scream it over and over at the bartender.
d) Wait patiently until the bartender addresses you and then say something quick and lighthearted to him/her about how busy they are.
e) I’m confused and I need a hug.
Question #6) You see two dogs in back of Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters. There is a purposefully-erected fence separating the peacefully-sleeping dogs from you and the road. You love dogs, so you:
a) Go into the shop and ask if you can meet the dogs.
b) Admire the dogs from outside the fence, perhaps taking a photo.
c) Remove the fence. Wake the dogs and call everyone off the street to come meet the dogs you just found.
d) Rip the fence off its hinges and try to stuff the dogs into the back of your car that is blocking both lanes of traffic.
Question #7) True or False: Every human being deserves to be spit on.
TRUE | FALSE
Question #8) You order a pizza from Ports Pizzeria in Boothbay Harbor. It is not at all like the pizza you get at home. You:
a) Enjoy the change and the new experiences you are having on your relaxing vacation.
b) Drink nine Fireball whiskey shots and write a scathing, misspelled, 1-star Yelp review about how the pizza sucks here and you are from New York, the pizza capital of the world, and you know a damned thing or two about pizza.
c) Drink ten Fireball shots and throw up the pizza later in the evening, smug in your assertion that the pizza was terrible.
d) Drink eleven shots of Fireball and demand to knife-fight the chef in the parking lot.
Question #9) You are a Yankees fan and encounter someone in Boothbay Harbor with a Red Sox hat. You:
a) Lightheartedly chide them on what a terrible season the Red Sox had. They reluctantly agree and you both have an engaging sports conversation over a couple beers.
b) Loudly assert with as much spittle as possible, “PATRIOTS ARE CHEATERS AHAHAHAHA!”
c) Threaten to beat the person with the Red Sox hat to a pulp when he asks if New York City is “…down near Philadelphia somewhere…”
d) Look for a Philadelphia Eagles fan to beat to a pulp.
Question #10) You get back to your hotel room and there is utter silence except for the Burnt Island Foghorn. You:
a) Put The Shopping Channel on at 10+ volume, turn the bathroom fan on, run the tub full bore, put pillows over your ears and obsess that you can still hear the foghorn.
b) Contemplate the meaninglessness of your existence in the face of an inevitable death. Run down to Pier 1 Pizza and drink 9 Fireball whiskeys to induce the in-head static you would otherwise experience naturally in New York.
c) Step outside your hotel room and scream at the lighthouse foghorn to “SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!!” until management sends the police.
d) Punch yourself in the face until you’re unconscious.
Question #11) You are asked if you’d like a bag for your purchase. You don’t need one. You:
a) Call the person a “Planet-Killer,” stare them down superciliously, and put everything in your eye-wateringly-patchouli-soaked-rough-hemp-grown-on-the-north-side-of-a-Peruvian-Mountain-holy-to-the-Incas– the north side being significant as it repels Conquistador spirits, bag. Then ask for a signed receipt.
b) Say “Nah,” and stay at the counter, collecting the shabby detritus of your life together with your purchases whilst blocking anyone else from checking out for an agonizing time.
c) Say “No thanks!” in a cheerful way, gather your things and leave.
d) Show a small firearm and ask “Who you callin’ a bag, Fatso?”
QUESTION #12) You bring Fluffy, your 10lb, yappy, bling-encrusted dog into Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters and ask the haggard owner if he sells Service Dog vests. When the owner points out that if your dog was indeed an Americans With Disabilities Act Trained Service Dog, it should have come with both a vest and federal paperwork to that effect. You say:
a) “Little Fluffy should be a Service Dog despite all the piss and shit she just left on your floor. I can’t clean it up though. My back is a disaster since the garbage strike of ’08 and my lawyer is very litigious.”
c) “STOP BARKING, FLUFFY!! STOP!!! FLUFFY. NO! NO, FLUFFY!! STOP BITING MAMA!!! MAMA LOVES YOU!! STOP BITING THE NICE MAN. NO!!!! BAD DOG FLUFFY…. STOP POOPING AND PEEING ON THE NICE MAN, FLUFFY!! NO BITING MAMA, FLUFFY!!! WE AGREED YESTERDAY THAT YOU WOULDN’T BITE MAMA!!! MAMA LOVES YOU!! NO PEE-PEES HERE! NO!!! MAMA TOLD YOU NO PEE-PEES!!! DON’T BITE MAMA!!! GOOD DOG FOR NOT BITING MAMA!!!!”
d) “Thank you for the information. I will get Fluffy ordained as a Service Dog through the proper channels so I don’t denigrate all the Americans who rely on ADA-certified Service Dogs to perform vital functions in their lives.”
Question #13) How many New Yorkers talking loudly about their disgusting bodily dysfunctions at an adjacent restaurant table does it take to make the average Boothbay Harbor resident vomit?
Question #14) You are walking down the street. You see someone in downtown Boothbay Harbor with dogs on their lawn. You love dogs. Despite there being a road between you and the dogs, you:
a) Scream at the dogs to come to you.
b) Walk out into the middle of the road, screaming for the dogs to come to you.
c) Stay in the middle of the road, blocking traffic, screaming at the dogs in such a way as the dogs and their owner are terrified of you.
d) Walk to the other side of the road and then calmly ask the owner if it’s OK to meet the dogs.
Question #15) You are corralling your young, over-sugared, under-disciplined children for the afternoon so your wife and her best friend can have time together with some sangria and oysters at The Boathouse Bistro. You herd the children into Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters. It is appropriate to:
a) Let your children destroy the shop like Attila the Hun razed the Byzantine Empire in 411AD.
b) Same as answer as a) and not buy anything.
c) Same as answer as a) and try to buy a $1.25 dental stick with a credit card.
d) Same as answer as b) but ask if your kids can use the bathroom.
e) Same as answer as d) but ask where the nearest Petco is.
Lugubrious is to joyful as Stimulant is to …..
c) Ed Koch
d) Lug Nut
Question #17) You need to go to the bathroom. You see the owner of a small shop quietly let a regular customer use the bathroom. When you ask the owner if it is OK to use his bathroom and you are denied, your reaction is:
a) Demand to use the bathroom even though the owner says there’s a public bathroom within 100ft.
b) Soil yourself in the shop because you won’t be told what to do.
c) The same as answer b) except loudly exclaim to the other customers that there is a functioning bathroom in the building. Then run out int the street yelling that there’s a bathroom for use in the shop, causing a riot of full-bladdered people.
d) Plead with the owner, referring to Irritable Bowel Syndrome, the mussels you ate, and that your 1st cousin is a negligence lawyer and could choke a stegosaurus with litigation.
e) Follow the owner’s directions and relieve yourself gratefully at the public restroom that is downhill and only seconds away.
b) Scream a second time “It’s F**KING MOOSE POOP STEPH!”
c) Run out into the street and grab total strangers by the arm and drag them into the pet store to see the “F**KING MOOSE POOP!”
d) Do the same thing 5 minutes later when you see the Duck Feet.
Question #19) Steel Tank #1 holds 37,432 microgallons of liquid nitrogen at a temperature of 96.2185 degrees Kronkheit. Tank #2 holds 1,000.6 decaliters of James Coburn’s mildly radioactive sweat at 8 degrees Fahrvergnügen. If the tanks were equalized instantly, how long would it take you to complain that everything in Maine closes too early?
a) 900 terameters
b) 500 kiloparsecs
c) 1 Megasecond
d) Been complaining about that for 2 days already.
Question #20 – True or False: The Boothbay Region will have NY style pizza, NY style bagels and the YES Network.
TRUE | FALSE
Question #21 – You and four of your buddies are at The Newagen Inn for your close friends’ wedding. You approach the bar and order 5 Fireball whiskeys. The bartender says they don’t carry Fireball whiskey. You say to the bartender:
a) “Fuggin’ Maine.”
b) “Never mind. I’ve got a can of WD-40. Five shot glasses.”
c) “Where’s the nearest place I can get a half-gallon of Fireball and some porno?”
d) “What whiskey would you suggest we celebrate such a wonderful occasion as my longtime friend’s wedding at such a splendid, beautiful venue, my good man?”
Question #22) – The existential fear and dread you experience when leaving “The City” can be summed up thusly. Check all that apply.
a) Makes me want to assert myself to strangers in inappropriate ways.
b) Makes me feel superior to people who don’t live near me.
c) Makes me want to loudly assert myself to people who don’t like my sports team.
d) Makes me aware of what an enormous world we live in and makes me respectful of the many people who inhabit it.
Question #23) – You are caught parking in Don’s spot across the street, you should:
a) Yell what a complete A-hole Don is and shout ever-growing 4-figure amounts you were going to spend in his store.
b) Puff your chest up, get uncomfortably close to Don’s face, restrain from showering Don in your spittle, and demand to park an entire day there for $5.
c) Apologize and ask Don where you can find reasonable parking.
d) I’m confused and I need a hug.
BONUS QUESTION – A train leaves Paris at 18:27hrs bound for Paris at 192km/hr. Another Paris-bound train is on it’s way from Paris, but it’s only going 714 cm/kg. If the movie “Uncle Buck” starts at 05:19hrs on the Paris-bound train, how soon will a New Yorker try to park in Don’s spot across the shop?
b) An instant after instantaneously
c) As soon as the tow truck removes the last car with New York plates.
d) I’m confused and I need a hug.
0 – 50,743 – Looking Good!
50,744 – 75,884 – Connecticut. I’m sorry.
75,885 – 75,889 – Oooh! So close!
75,890 – 76,053 – Welcome to the “Meh State.”
76,054 – 83,879 – A UFO is on the way from the Oort Cloud to give you a prize.
75,885 – 1,000,002 – You are the wind beneath my wings.
1,000,003 – Consult a dermatologist.
ACTUAL FACT: ALL THE PICTURES IN THIS BLOG (EXCEPT MY PHOTO) WERE AI-GENERATED. I AM NOT KIDDING. TRY IT YOURSELF HERE: https://labs.openai.com/
7 replies on “A WEE NY TEST — by Don”
that was certainly a gripping and articulate piece of journalism from Ms. Adams…you would think someone so well traveled would appear a little more…well traveled. Probably wrote it in her Costco lounge suit taking a long drag off her Kool 100.
You are hilarious.
All of these apply to way too many New Yorkers.
I like living here, and try to stay away from them.
I love Maine. People there are nice.
The Lady from New York
You are the BEST lady from New York!!!
As a New Yorker I’ll go with false number 2 … the Patriots don’t suck but I only like them when the New York Football Giants play them in a Super Bowl …
Haha! How are you Kevin? Good to hear from another Gouldie! Are you sure in your answer? Because A False #2 has you throwing a muffin at a passing whale and nothing to do with the Superbowl.
Over the years I have seen most of these situations in the Harbor, some in your shop (or by the gate, or in your parking space across the street). Two things come to mind. 1. Most of the kind, sensitive responses seem to come from Mainers or Michiganders. Maybe it’s just me. 2. I once owned a 1960 Volkswagen Beetle and it did not inspire Fahrvergnügen.
I’m sorry you owned a Beetle. That must have been very traumatic. I am still recovering from a microbus I hitched a ride in on my way to the “Most Pungent Potato in the Western Hemishpere.”
Dog Bless, David.