THE FUDGE DOG COMETH – by Marz

Jun 1, 2024

Hi everyone! I’m Marz!! I’m the only Chocolate Dog to ever live at Chez Salty!!

I don’t know why they call it Chez Salty!! What’s a Chez?!?! Does it mean black?!?! Because every other dog to live here was black!!! And why is Chez salty?!? Does it have to do with Two Salty Dogs?!? Does it have to do with the ocean?!?! That would be awesome!! I LOVE the ocean!!!!

People always ask me what it’s like to be an A-list celebrity!! It’s pretty fun!! Actually, it’s really fun!! I’m just kidding!!! IT’S AWESOME!!! Bipeds rub your belly a lot!! They also give you free treats if you stare at them long enough!!!! Don calls them “Suckers!!!” AHAHAHAHA!!!! I don’t get it.

But what is it really like to be a World-Famous Chocolate Lab like Good Boy Ollie on a beautiful island off the coast of Maine?! I’m pretty sure Auggie is King Clarence!!!! They’re both black and can be very grumpy!!! And they drool a lot!!!

So for all you Bipeds out there who ask Don what a day in the life of Fudgie is like, I kept this super-secret diary!!!! Teddy used to call his diary a diary-ah!! Get it?!?! Diarrhea?!?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I loved Teddy so much!!!

---

THE FUDGE OF DAWN

4:00am — IT’S LIGHT OUTSIDE!! Why isn’t Don moving?!?! Maybe he’s dead!! I’d better lick his face!!!! HE’S NOT DEAD!!!! He just threw a pillow and yelled at me!!!! He used very bad language, too!!! I’m SO glad he’s not dead!!!!! Maybe he’s sick, though!!!! UH OH!!!! I just licked a sick Biped in the face!!!! I hope I don’t get sick!!!!! UH OH!!!!! I feel like I’m getting sick!!!

<< THROWS UP A BUNCH OF GRASS ON THE FLOOR >>

4:30am — EMERGENCY!!! Don is not responding to my vomit message!!!!! He might be dead after all!!! He usually gets up and yells at me!!! He has a pillow over his head!!! He can’t hear me!!! I’d better run from one side of the bed to the other side over and over with my toenails going CLACK CLACK CLACK on the hardwood floor!!! He still can’t hear me through the pillow!!! I’d better step in my vomit and smear it all over the floor so the smell will wake him up!!!!

4:45am — Auggie is up now!!! He was asleep on the couch in the living room!! But he’s up now!! Auggie is my favorite dog!!! He’s my best buddy! I’m so glad he’s up!! He’s super-deaf, so I’m not sure why he’s up!!! Maybe it’s the smell of my vomit all over the place!!!

5:00am — LIANA IS UP!!! LIANA IS UP!!! She slipped a little bit on the vomit in the bedroom, but she doesn’t make a big deal out of it like Don does!! Don would have used VERY VERY bad language and been very loud!!!

Uh-Oh!!!! Liana just slipped on my vomit again and went into the bathroom! She’s really mad!! I hope this doesn’t affect breakfast-time!!!!

5:15am — 5:29am – Auggie and I can’t get into the bathroom where Liana is because the door is very strong!!! Auggie and I bang on the door with our heads for a long time!!! It’s not working!! What if Liana is dead?!?! What if Don is dead too?!!! Who would feed me and Auggie?!?! Who would take us on walkies!?! What about mid-day snacks?!? Dinners and medicines?!?! OH MY DOG!!! WE ARE DOOMED!!!!! DOOMED!!!!! WE ARE GOING TO DIE OF NEGLECT!!!!

5:30am — There was a sound of water gushing!!!! LIANA FINALLY OPENED THE DOOR TO THE BATHROOM!!! I love Liana so much!! She grabbed her coat and some poop bags and a couple leashes!! It seemed like she was very tired!! Auggie and I ran up and down the stairs to the main door!! Actually Auggie waddles up and down the stairs!!!! It’s pretty funny to see when he’s quick about it, though!!!

5:30am – 6:00am — Time for poopies and pee-pees!!! I try to eat a bunch of grass, but Liana yells at me! She yells at me to poop!! “C’mon, Poop Fudgie,” she says!!! Pfft! Can you believe that?! Like I’m some kind of circus freak, trained to poop on demand!!! I will take my sweet time chomping all that sweet, sweet grass, thank you!! But WAIT!! Auggie already peed and pooped!! He’s at the front door!!! He’s ready for breakfasts!!! Breakfast is waaayyyyy better than grass!!!

Liana opens the front door and Aug and I run straight up to the apartment!!!

6:00am — THE FOOD FAIRY LEFT US BREAKFASTS!!!! THE FOOD FAIRY LEFT US BREAKFASTS!!! The Food Fairy also cleaned and filled our water bowls!!!! That’s the best!! It’s so fun to lap all that clean, cold water out of the bowl and slosh it around with a bunch of drool on the kitchen floor!!!

And Don’s lazy butt is out of bed and cleaning my vomit from the bedroom!!!! I thought Don was dead!! That kind sucks, because I’m still pretty hungry and The Food Fairy only left me a pretty small breakfast!!I sure could go for a little grass vomit to round things out! I’m still pretty hungry!!!

6:30am – 7:30am — Don and Liana lie around like walruses on the couch drinking coffee and watching the news!! Sometimes if it’s Saturday or Sunday they watch Bar Rescue!! Sometimes Don throws toys on the second floor landing so I can fetch them! I LOVE fetching!! That’s so much better than the frickin’ news and coffee!! Coffee stinks!!! And I hate Bar Rescue!!! I’ve only ever been in Robinson’s Wharf!!!

@twosaltydogs

I love it when he looks down from the balcony and gets excited

♬ original sound – twosaltydogs

7:30am – 8:30am — Don and Liana make their Breakfasts!! It smells much better than kibble!!! Auggie and I wait outside the kitchen with our water bowls. Don yells at us and asks how, possibly, there could be more drool on the floor by the kitchen than dog water spilled from our water bowl!! Don is so funny!! I DON’T KNOW, DON! I DON’T KNOW!!! Hahaha!!!

When the house smells good with breakfasts, I like to run around the kitchen with my pink Jolly Ball!! Sometimes there’s sausage and sometimes pancakes!!! That’s why Auggie and I sit next to Don and Liana on the couch, just in case a molecule of food got off the plate!!!! Liana’s pretty good and doesn’t drop much food. But there’s pretty much a dumpster of food around Don!!

@twosaltydogs

This is for all of you who can’t get enough of Marz and his struggle against the Jolly Ball. The struggle is real. #jollyball #nobrain #labradorretriever #dogtoy #chocolatelab #runaround #dumdum

♬ Powerful songs like action movie music – Tansa

9:00am – 10:00am — Then it’s Walkies!!!! Swimmin’! Fetchin’! Runnin’! Beach!! Trails!! Sometimes Don brings my Kick-Fetch!! Sometimes he brings my Jolly Ball!! Most of the time it’s just a tennis ball!! After we have so much fun we get back in the car to the shop!!

10:00am – 12:00pm — When we get back to the shop, Don gives Auggie and me a cow ear!!! Auggie and I run out back to our beds and chomp the cow ears down!!! Sorry Bipeds!! You’ll just have to get your own cow ear!!!They are so delicious!! After the cow ears are chomped, we go back inside the shop!!

The shop is full of Bipeds!!! I love Bipeds!! They’re so tall!! And they give out lots of treats!! Auggie is the best at begging for treats at the Free Treat Bowl!! Bipeds give out tons of treats if you just look hungry or pathetic!!!Don calls them Suckers! Why is Don so mean!?! He must be very lonely!! Why can’t he be fun?!?!

Fun is good for sales, Don!!! Don’t you know that?!?!

---

MID-DAY FUDGE LIFE

12:00pm – 1:00pm — NAP TIME!!! NOBODY IS PERMITTED TO DISTURB DOGS AT NAP TIME!!! LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE, YOU DUMMIES!!!!!

1:00pm – 2:00pm — I don’t know why, but Bipeds always rub my belly!!!! After nap time they’ll get me a free treat from the bowl, too!!!! Sometimes, the nice Bipeds throw a tennis ball in the shop for me to fetch!! Don gets really mad and tells the person not to throw things in the shop unless they want to buy any broken merchandise!!! Don is Super-Mean!!! BWAHAHA!!! I almost typed “Super-Man!!” BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

2:00pm – 2:15pm — POOPIES AND PEE-PEE TIME!!!! This is the most important time of the day! Don and/or Liana bring us across the street for poopies and pee-pees! When we get back to the shop it’s….

2:16pm — SNACK TIME!!! Don gives us a small treat like a lamb ear or a duck foot and we run out back to our beds and eat them!!! NO SHARING!!!!

2:17pm – 4:00pm — Sleeping out on our dog beds in the sun!!! Did you know a Biped Lady asked whether Don made Auggie and I sleep in our monogrammed beds!?! Haha! Don said he had electrified collars that would shock us if we got on the wrong bed!!! Hahaa!! Don is pretty funny sometimes!! Ahhhh…. maybe not so much.

4:00pm — TIME TO CLOSE UP THE SHOP!!!!!

Either Liana takes me and Auggie back to the Southport cabin for Dinners or Don leaves us in the car while he goes to a bar!!! Sometimes it’s better to go with Don, other times it’s better to go with Liana!!

Liana brings us straight home and gets us our Dinners right away!! And medicines!!! But Liana doesn’t give us after-dinner treats!!! Ever!! And it’s super fun to snuggle on the couch with her when she watches her Trash TV!!!! I like to lick her face!!!!!

Don stops at Robinson’s and gorges himself on food and booze!!!!!! That’s fine with me, except he leaves us dogs in the car!!! For hours!!! Without Dinners!! That’s no fun, Don!! Everyone and everydog has the basic Human Right to have Dinners as soon as possible!!!!

But sometimes Don will bring us treats when he’s all liquored up!! Sometimes it’s green beans!! Other times it’s roasted red potatoes in butter and garlic!!!! And one time we got a chicken sandwich some kid dropped on the floor!!!! That was awesome!!!

Sometimes Don takes us out on little walks around Robinsons!! It’s super-fun!! There’s lots of seagull poop and bait!!!!

And sometimes Robinson’s will let us in when they’re closed and cleaning up!! They let Auggie and me eat all the French fries on the floor!!!! And sometimes I find really good things like a fried clam. One time I found a almost whole burger in one of the booths!!! That was scrumptious!!!!!

But Don never ever lets us go in the kitchen!!! That’s where all the good stuff is!!! And once they start mopping the floor, it’s time to go!!!

---

FUDGE IN THE EVENING

7:00pm – 8:00pm — Back at the Cabin!!!! DINNERTIME!!!!!! MEDICINES!!!! Don turns on his computer and puts the Red Sox on the radio!!!! Sometimes Don gives us a treat!!! Auggie says if we just stare at Don whilst he’s working, we’ll get a nice little dog bone or treat!!!!!!!

8:00pm – 9:30pm — It works!!! But Auggie keeps trying to steal my dog bone!! He always tries to!! I can’t keep any treats away from him!!! Then Don gets mad with all the gnawing and slurping on the dog bones in the living room!! He says he can’t even hear the score on the Red Sox game!!! He banishes us to the back bedroom!!! Then Auggie REALLY tries to steal my dog bone!!!! STOP IT AUGGIE!!!! OR I’LL BARK!!!

9:30pm — Finally, Don goes to bed or passes out!!!! He likes to look at his phone in bed!!! He says he’s reading!!! But who reads on their phone?!?! Don is nutty!!! And he gets really mad if Auggie and I are spread out over the bed!!! And if we leave our chomped dog bones on the bed!! He calls the dog bones stinky!!!! I think Don is stinky!!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!!!

I can’t wait for breakfast tomorrow!!! Hopefully pancakes!!!!

---

4:00am — IT’S LIGHT OUTSIDE!!! I THINK DON JUST MOVED HIS FINGER!!!!! IT’S BREAKFAST TIME!!!! I WANT PANCAKES!!!

PANCAKES! PANCAKES! PANCAKES! PANCAKES! PANCAKES! PANCAKES! PANCAKES! PANCAKES! PANCAKES! PANCAKES!

THANKS FOR READING THIS FART!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

— Marzipan, Fin Tin Limb Bin, Bus Stop F*tang F*tang Olay Biscuit Barrel Kingsbury!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!