Dec 14, 2014
I am Augustus. You should address me as such. See that you do in future, and your past transgressions shall be forgotten.
My intention was to write a heartwarming account of the “True Meaning of Christmas” using the adopt-o-dogs Buddy and Coal as my pity-vehicles because the Christmas topic has never been satisfactorily addressed. But because many of the more vituperative of you have made sport of my rigidity and called me humorless and dour, I will have to address this affront first and foremost. So today, I shall use my turn at this incomprehensible blog to silence the hateful hearts of my detractors with a wickedly funny tomfoolery. Here goes:
Question: What is the saddest kind of dog?
Answer: A Melon Collie!!!!!
Get it?!?!? Get it?!?!?! Get it?!?!?! Bwahahaha!!!! I made that up all by myself!!!! Yes! ME! Little Auggie!!!!! Bwahahahaha!!!!!!! I am ever so smart!!!!!! Did you get it?!?!?! Like Melancholy!!!! Did you get it?!?!?! Hahahahaha!!!! Did you get it?!?!?!?!
You’re welcome. And do not hesitate to credit me when you repeat that joke to your miscreant and reprobate acquaintances.
On to other business, people. Please stop laughing.
It is SO much harder to control a pack of 3 dogs and 2 humans as opposed to 2 dogs and 2 humans. Take my word on this! I am not loath to tell you that the addition of Buddy is wearing at the very fibre of my being. It is such an enormous responsibility for such an unassuming dog as myself. But rest assured, I shall guide this pack with the authority and steadfastness it has been accustomed to these last few years (Editor’s Note: Steadfastness? Mmmmmmmmmnnnnnope). There shall be no doubt about that.
How I wish somedog, nay, ANYDOG was interested in becoming my trusted, ever-loyal adjutant. But inquiries within the pack only result in snickering and the hiding of my beloved Pink Piggy. Not only has Pink Piggy been hidden, he was dragged outside and ripped at in the muddy snow like some common squirrel! No doubt those of you who hate me will compare this incident to when I took Coal’s pathetic Starfish and thrashed it through the freshly-delivered manure pile this spring. But that was merely an affectation! I never intended for the truck to back over Starfish and squish it into that sweet, sweet manure pile so that Don would never ever (Editor’s Note: EVER, EVER) let into the house again. I was a victim of circumstance, for Dog’s Sake! Whatever do I have to do to atone? Fight Nazis with my bare paws?
Perhaps the answer is not one loyal lieutenant, but dozens of brainwashed henchdogs. Yes! I can see that now. As Santa has his cadre of supernatural, flying reindeer to enforce his every whim, I shall have a vicious pack of bloodthirsty pugs to enforce my desire for peace.
Yes! Nobody will suspect those lovable little balls of energy! I will train them to form a protective shield around me as I cherry-pick the best of the other dog’s presents from under the tree and those hung by on the mantle with care! And Don will no longer dare to yell at me when I try to sample the fare from the garbage can. Perhaps, generations from now, people will sing Christmas Carols with my name in them! “Auggie the Benevolent Ruler, Was a Very Funny Dog, And if you ever Saw Him, you would even say He Was the Best….” and etcetera.
Now how do I get Don to adopt about 25 easily-impressionable pugs? Any suggestions? I will reward you richly if you give me an idea that is not pathetic or pedestrian.
Well, Merry Christmas to all!
Augustus (Auggie) Megatron Bulldozer