DID YOU KNOW? DO YOU EVEN CARE? – by Don

Jun 30, 2024

UPPER CLASS TWIT OF THE YEAR
I’M RUNNING TO BRING YOU THE TRUTH.

Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters now brings you a Public Service Announcement we are not qualified to announce in public to “The Public.”

Are you discouraged by the amount of disinformation and number of phaked photos that are destroying the Greatest Nation That Ever Graced The Planet Earth (TGNTEGTPE)? Do you fear that clarity and reason will be lost for all time when you meet your earthly demise and are firmly planted 6ft under the ground?

Never fear, chubs! We’ll dissect the truth from the flab for your pliable, thin-brained children when you’re gone. And we won’t even charge your estate our usual brainwashing and disposal fee.

Here we go. Hold on tight.


TRAINED DRINKING MONKEY
TRUST THE TRAINED DRINKING MONKEY

DID YOU KNOW?

1) Summer Ale is actually considered Winter Ale in the Southern Hemisphere? <<FACT CHECK>>

2) Lobster claws were used by Native Americans as styluses when filing IRS returns? <<FACT CHECK>>

3) The German language has no word for “Groin?” <<FACT CHECK>>

4) James Brown never once used the word “Mazeltov?” <<FACT CHECK>>

5) The U.S. hasn’t sold a can of tuna packed in oil in over 100 years? <<FACT CHECK>>

SHE GOT LEGS
MMMM… LEGGY.

6) Ancient Sumer was renowned for giving its dank cities just the stupidest names you could think of? Cities like Ur. Uruk. Lagash. Eridu. Nippur… <<FACT CHECK>>

7) Women with longer torsos in relation to their legs are proportionally more intelligent than men who lack torsos? <<FACT CHECK>>

8) Photosynthesis has yet to be proven in a court of law? <<FACT CHECK>>

9) After I get a haircut, my head looks like a shaved potato? <<FACT CHECK>>

MY HEAD'S TOWARDS THE BACK
YOUR HEAD MAY VARY

10) The ancient Aztec’s system of currency, “Huitzilopochtli” can be roughly translated into “Toad Weights?” <<FACT CHECK>>

11) Albert Einstein was once issued a summons for “Indecent Tomfoolery” for drunkenly accusing Nietzsche of promoting a “gay science?” <<FACT CHECK>>

12) Dogfish Head Beer does not contain any dog, fish, dogfish, heads, dogfish heads, or beer? <<FACT CHECK>>

13) The Guinness World Record for enduring “Young Sheldon” is over 37 minutes? <<FACT CHECK>>

DOGFISH HEAD BEER
IT TASTES NOTHING LIKE BAIT

14) If you took the entire annual salary of an average American, you could afford to pay that average American’s health care premiums for a year if that average American didn’t have to eat or pay rent? <<FACT CHECK>>

15) If your dog licks its paws obsessively, it means they hate all your friends? <<FACT CHECK>>

16) The word “Meteorologist” derives its name from ancient Greek? It means “Someone Who Wants to be an Actor But Lacks The Talent.” <<FACT CHECK>>

HILLBILLY
NSFW HILLBILLY

17) In Operation Market Garden, British General Bernard “Bernie” Montgomery refused to release the American 101 Airborne Division until he had General Patton’s wife’s telephone number in the States? <<FACT CHECK>>

18) In ancient Rome, children were considered extremely intelligent if they ran through bars, deforming their skulls by smashing their heads into bar stools, hardwood floors and other extremely hard objects like spittoons? Scream-wailing at the frequency of an subway car going off the tracks whilst the parents pretended nothing was happening was the mark of a Caesar? <<FACT CHECK>>

CALIGULA
HEAD DENTS NOT SHOWN

19) It has been proven by the National Institute of Health that if you get a spider tattoo anywhere on your body, proportionately more than the average 8 spiders per year will crawl in your mouth whilst you sleep? <<FACT CHECK>>

20) Scallops are the sole survivor of the evolutionary branch “Mitochondria.” <<FACT CHECK>>

21) If your refrigerator breaks, it’s probably just because you are a giant load. <<FACT CHECK>>

22) If you enjoy Fireball Whiskey, there is a 99.000000001% chance you don’t enjoy actual whiskey of any kind. <<FACT CHECK>>

NOT PHAKED PHOTO
AWWWW! GET IN MY MOUTH!

23) Walruses are never allowed to return to the Wal-Mart in which they were spawned? <FACT CHECK>

24) If you have a torso-to-leg-length ratio (TTLLR) of over 1.3, it is illegal for you to be elected president of Burkina Faso? <<FACT CHECK>>

25) Ex-American League baseball player JD Drew hates Romanians and D-Cell Batteries? <<FACT CHECK>>

26) All American Cheese is actually made by Guatemalans? <<FACT CHECK>>

REAL PHOTO OF A WALRUS SHOOTING FIRE
GET IN YOUR CRATE NOW, MISTER!!!

27) You are not legally required to tip a police officer unless they taze you? <<FACT CHECK>>

28) The biggest bulldozer in the world is used to move bologna at the Oscar Meyer plant in Racine, Wisconsin? <<FACT CHECK>>

29) You should never swing on a 3-0 pitch unless you are Kevin Youkilis or Pat Tabler? <<FACT CHECK>>

30) There have been over 30 Grand Dragons of the KKK and all of them had severe pinworm infections because they gorged themselves for years with liverwurst and Red Bull? <<FACT CHECK>>

GET TAZED
DON’T WORRY. THE FIRE DEPARTMENT WILL PICK UP HIS TIP.

31) Political Parties lack the booze and hot chicks of real parties? <<FACT CHECK>>

PAT TABLER
HI. I’M PAT TABLER.

32) Mormonism is no more or less ridiculous than any other religion? <<FACT CHECK>>

33) The definition of infinite: If you shine a light beam in a curved universe, the beam will continue until it hits you in the back of the head. If the universe is expanding faster than the light beam travels across a curved universe, the light beam could never arrive at the back of your head, hence it would travel infinitely? <<FACT CHECK>>

34) The number thirty-four (Sānshísì) was banned in Communist China from 1947-1954 because Chairman Mao lost 34 Yuan in a “Dukes of Huanchong” slot machine when he was a boy? <<FACT CHECK>>

35) There are so many accountants on the remote island of Tristan de Cunha you could literally be bored to death? <<FACT CHECK>>

34 IN CHINESE
THOSE DANG DUKE BOYS.

36) The beginning of the punk movement is generally credited to Gordon Lightfoot’s song, “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald?” <<FACT CHECK>>

37) In 1789 Philidelphia Phillies were known as “The Philadelphia Philanderers?” <<FACT CHECK>>

GORDON LIGHTFOOT
GET THEE BEHIND ME, EDMUND FITZGERALD.

38) “Cut the Mullet!” was the war-cry of Francis Marion, the Swamp Fox? <<FACT CHECK>>

39) How the hell did the Red Sox beat the Phillies 2-out of-3 games on June 13th, 2024? <<FACT CHECK>> <<FACT CHECK>>

40) How long does it take to get a friggin’ drink in this library? GAWD!! <<FACT CHECK>>

41) All the ants on Earth weigh more than all the used diapers human children have ever produced? <<FACT CHECK>>

42) There is no 42 on this list? <<FACT CHECK>>

YANKEES

43) If a newt and a salamander fought to the death, it would be really, really depressing? <<FACT CHECK>>

44) Tailor Swift was named after a bird? <<FACT CHECK>>

45) Cruise ships lose on average 3 passengers per trip to permanent perturbed psychotic episodes caused by the exposure to the repeated, pervasive Jimmy Buffet music everywhere? <<FACT CHECK>>

46) Coconuts and tomatoes are actually fruits? <<FACT CHECK>>

PSYCHOSIS AT SEA
MYTHBUSTERS: “PLAUSIBLE.”

47) The earliest computer used punch cards to feed Sea Monkeys on the other side of a non-reflective glass? <<FACT CHECK>>

48) Artificial Intelligence has yet to come up with an adequate tip for $32.94? <<FACT CHECK>>

49) All White House toilets are equipped with an “Abort” button? <<FACT CHECK>>

MONKEY SWIMMING
WHO YOU LOOKING AT, HOMO SAPIEN?

50) The modern concept of Angst was derived from the third chapter of Angus Young of AC/DC’s Cambridge dissertation? <<FACT CHECK>>

51) If your oven light keeps resetting and blinking, your house is a portal for evil spirits about the size of The Grapevine? <<FACT CHECK>>

52) In the early days of NASCAR, drivers, pit crews, and spectators were all nude? <<FACT CHECK>>

ABORT ABORT ABORT
GOODBYE SOILED UNDERPANTS.

53) 100% of people who played Monopoly have cheated because they are desperate for the game to end? <<FACT CHECK>>

54) The worst part about living in Maine is that it’s chock-full of senior citizens who demand bland, mushy breakfasts? <<FACT CHECK>>

55) It is nearly impossible to get drunk off liquorice? <<FACT CHECK>>

56) “The Banana Splits” kids show from the 1970’s was a vehicle of the anti-flouride movement? <<FACT CHECK>>

SENIOR CITIZENS GETTIN' FILTHY
EVEN MY DOGS FIND THIS OFFENSIVE.

57) A can of Raid Hornet and Wasp Killer shoots a lot farther than mace, and is a lot more effective in stopping an attacker’s neurons? <<FACT CHECK>>

58) There are 8.063 million people living on Long Island New York, of which 50.51% of those people are female? <<FACT CHECK>>

59) The average length of an American male’s penis is 5.6″, and the average length of an American woman’s vagina = 6.0″?

60) 8,063,000 x 0.5051% x (6.0in – 5.6in) = 1,629,048 inches = 135,754ft = or 25.71 miles of unused vagina on Long Island, New York? <<THE MATH BE DONE FOR THEE. FACT CHECK NOT REQUIRED>>

THE BANANA SPLITS
OVER HILL & HIGHWAY THE BANANA BUGGIES GO… COMING TO BRING YOU THE BANANA SPLITS SHOW!! FLEEGLE, BINGO, DROOPER AND SNORK!
EAR WAX
IF ONLY PEOPLE WOULD JUST TRY IT.

61) I can’t hear so well from my left ear and I think I have a bunch of impacted ear wax. When I told my (ex)-doctor, he laughed and essentially said “I was going to die anyway, so why burden my health care insurer with a bunch of unnecessary bills?” Then he suggested I dig it out with an ice pick. <<FACT CHECK>>

62) If an act got 3 gongs in “The Gong Show,” the members of that act were hunted down and executed by Falung Gong? <<FACT CHECK>>

MAYONAISE

63) “Mayonnaise” is a French term for Heart Disease? <<FACT CHECK>>

64) The weather was named after the lovable, celebrated Canadian weirdo, Sir Frankie MacDonald? <<FACT CHECK>>

65) “Isostatic Rebound” refers to the upward crustal deformations in the North American Plate as a result of the 2-mile thick Laurentide Ice Sheet abating over 12,000 years ago? <<FACT CHECK>>

66) In Florida they say Sidney Poitier was a blind man and that LBJ was a Soviet Jew? <<FACT CHECK>>

67) I could really go for some fluffy pancakes right now? Really, really fluffy. <<FACT CHECK>>

69!
“SIXTY-NINE!!!!!!!!” – RONNY

68) The term “overalls” is derived from the Thraxonian phrase “҂ҶӺ֎ٽ۝Ὗ₩╬♣Ꟈ” and means “You smell like grain and grease and poo?” <<FACT CHECK>>

69) SIXTY-NINE!!!!!!! <<FACT CHECK>>

70) The directive “Go Fuck Yourself” is impossible unless you can go back in time? <<FACT CHECK>>

71) Alexander the Grape, Lemonheads, and Fruit Stripe Gum were the best candy ever? <<FACT CHECK>>

72) Tokyo translates into English as “Joyful Union in the Cave of Un-Alived Sorrow?” <<FACT CHECK>>

FLIPPER RULES, OK?
THEIR BEST ALBUM WAS BLOW N’ CHUNKS

73) The band Flipper had nothing to do with the TV show Flipper? Also my nickname in college was Flipper because of the band? <<FACT CHECK>>

74) Hillbillies can vote in the United States as long as their overalls don’t have skid-marks? <<FACT CHECK>>

75) Bill Bellicheck once made a raccoon who got into his garbage into a hat he wears to family gatherings? <<FACT CHECK>>

76) The band “The B-52s” released the song “Mesopotamia” 8 years before the US Air Force ever even carpet-bombed Mesopotamia with the B-52 Stratofortress? <<FACT CHECK>>

HOLY KID
I REBUKE YOUR SCIENTIFIC WAYS.

77) The Vice-Presidential debates would be way better if it was scripted and animated by Tim Burton? <<FACT CHECK>>

78) You never get to see ancient Pompeian citizen’s junk in documentaries? Like overflowing ashtrays, scores of whiskey bottles, furniture the dog has gnawed on for decades, and chariots up on blocks in the yard…? <<FACT CHECK>>

79) Rastafarians believe that the Apocalypse foretold in the Bible already happened and never eat more than 3 Cheetos at a time? <<FACT CHECK>>

80) Pastrami is far better steamed than fried, the exact opposite of clams. <<FACT CHECK>>

TOO HOT TO HANDLE
I’M GOING TO NEED LESS CLOTHES ON THESE PEOPLE! THEY’RE TOO HOT TO HANDLE!

81) Physicists at MIT have objectively determined that the series, “Too Hot to Handle” is responsible for destroying more American brain matter than all the fatal car accidents since 1901 (11,866,041lbs – The average brain weighing 3lbs)? <<FACT CHECK>>

82) Microsoft’s OneDrive is the computer equivalent of 24 hours with a pant-full of blood-sucking chiggers? <<FACT CHECK>>

83) The correct terminology is “Pant-Full” and NOT “Pants-Full” when referring to chiggers? <<FACT CHECK>>

ROADHOUSE SWAYZE
MY ROADHOUSE MOVIE WAS BETTER

84) The show “The Office” was actually inspired by a den of rabid, drunken, Honey Badgers? <<FACT CHECK>>

85) Henry Kissinger essentially gave a carpet-bombed Laos to the Chinese in order to settle a $6 billion Pai Gow Poker debt for The Smothers Brothers? <<FACT CHECK>>

86) The remake of the movie “Roadhouse” was pretty good even though there wasn’t a monster truck or a redneck named “Tigger” injured by a giant, stuffed polar bear like the original movie? <<FACT CHECK>>

JACK GERMOND
MAY 1972: Jack Germond, (Photo by Walter Bennett/Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images)

87) Eric Estrada once ate an entire 10lb Black Forest Ham in under an hour on a dare from Jack Germond from “The McLaughlin Group?” <<FACT CHECK>>

88) The working title of the hit Discovery Network show, “The Deadliest Catch” was the “Catching The Deadliest Crabs?” <<FACT CHECK>>

89)Floribama MILF Manor Shore – Season II” is a completely rational justification for exterminating the entire human race? <<FACT CHECK>>

90) The ancient Babylonians thought people who enjoyed golf were suffering from demons scratching the inside of their skulls? <<FACT CHECK>>

91) Polysorbate 80 weighs 6-times as much as Polysorbate 20 on Proteus, the sixth moon of Neptune? <<FACT CHECK>>

THE FBI'S POTTED MEAT PRODUCT'S MOST WANTED LIST
GOT ANY OF THAT POTTED MEAT PRODUCT LEFT?

92) “Boinking” is a pretty funny word to describe human coitus? <<FACT CHECK>>

93) Potted Meat Product consistently outsells Spam on every continent except South America? <<FACT CHECK>>

94) Movies with dragons, swords, castles, damsels, spells, wizards and that kind of stuff are getting hugely repetitive? Can we please bring on “Naked Attraction?” <<FACT CHECK>>

95) The character Nicky in the Jason Bourne movies has an extensive biography written by a bunch of nerds on drugs? <<FACT CHECK>>

NICKY SHOOTS JASON BOURNE
PUT THE GUN DOWN NICKY AND PUT SOME JAMES TAYLOR ON THE TURNTABLE.

96) The success of the band “The Smiths” is more attributed to the guitarist Johnny Marr’s unique guitar playing than Morrissey’s self-pitying, whining, lyrics? If you have any doubts, listen to “How Soon is Now?” right now. <<FACT CHECK>>

97) Primus Sucks? <<FACT CHECK>>

98) The person ahead of you in line at Dunkin’ Donuts who is taking forever is asking the clerk for a wine list and their salad dressing options? <<FACT CHECK>>

99) “Oklahoma” is a Sioux phrase for Curry Bean Dip? <<FACT CHECK>>

100) Jeebus. You’re still reading this? <<FACT CHECK>>


Seriously…. You don’t want me to go on with this, do you? I’ve been up for 4 days subsisting on cheap, blended Scotch, ramen, and awful TV. Time to rev up the ATV and crack my skull in.

-Don (Not a Dog)

4 replies on “DID YOU KNOW? DO YOU EVEN CARE? – by Don”

Greetings from California

Once upon time know as “Bright Warm Sun” 🌅🏖️🌄 now Land of Burnt Brown 🏜️ but hey!!….. Flipping like a pancake and popping like cork!😉

The three doggies look like what is known in the Land Of Milk and Honey California soda fountain 🍨Banana Split🍨 …. chocolate ice cream, with marshmallows sauce covered with dark chocolate sauce.

1968 – 1970 it’s Summer Time in California Doing fun kid stuff

Disneyland. Visit with family in San Clemente. Life was good!

I WAS WONDERING WHERE YOU WERE!!!

I hadn’t heard from you in such a long time!

We call the 3 dogs “A Lab Trifecta!” Zinnie is so sweet. She is grateful for everything she gets: every meal, every rub, every trip to the beach…. She even wags her tail when you say her name. Without fail.

Anyway… come visit. It’s about 3 degrees cooler in Maine than Northern California.

-Don

You consistently make me laugh. Although I hate to admit it, I live in the once thriving town of Wiscasset (don’t hate me for that!) and need to get my fat ass over to your store and by some stuff for my pooch. Hopefully you’ll be working g that day and will be able to share some insights with me!

Thanks for reading, Curt! I never hold where someone lives against them. That’s because I live in a bunch of brambles outside a Clipper Mart.

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