May 1, 2017
Salutations, loyal henchmen. It is I, Augustus Megatron Bulldozer. Please save your raucous celebrations until after my blog.
It is befitting that May’s blog should fall to me. In the past I have given all you thronging tourist rabble helpful public service announcements on such topics as: How to Blend Into Boothbay Without Looking Like a Total Rube, Questions Not to Ask at Our Shop Unless You Want to Look Like a Total Rube, and Embarrassing Things That Total Rubes Leave Behind When Visiting Us at Our Fortified Southport Bunker, (Editor’s Note: It’s just a cottage, not a bunker)..
Continuing in that vein, I shall regale you with much needed tips on how to prepare for your Boothbay Region Vacation. When you finish reading this blog, you will need to take a personal inventory of yourself and answer this question honestly and without reservation: “Do I possess the intestinal fortitude (all the cretins read: what it takes) to visit the Boothbay Region and not look like a total, utter, and complete Rube?”
As in the past, I shall display these points in an order suitable for your human crescendo-worshiping needs.
9) – Keep your dog away from the fire hydrant across from the shop. It’s mine. And the telephone pole outside of Casual Interiors, the bushes by Eventide, and all of Southport. Actually, don’t bring another dog into the Boothbay Region without my approval. Download your permission forms here.
8) – Just because you know the bartenders name does not give you special priveledges. Waving money, loudly cackling in a falsetto, waving or tapping your empty glass, throwing or dropping said glass, whistling or snapping fingers at your bartender IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. Please make a note of it. This also applies to Don.
7) – Parking in Boothbay Harbor is not a right. It’s an impossibility. That’s right. I’ve said it. The Chamber of Commerce and all the business owners including Don will hate it and gloss over it. Parking in Boothbay Harbor is horrendous. If you hope to park anywhere downtown, plan on circling around for a long while and walking for the same. If you have lunch reservations, include a solid half-hour of parking searching, a minimum of $1,000 in cash. And make sure to bring a rucksack with water, antibiotics, flares, and as much survival equipment as you can carry. Including crampons and rappelling gear. DON’T leave your car in our spot, our spots across the street at the Coal Shack, or Eventide’s spots. Enchantments is fine. Everyone park in the Enchantments lot. You will leave your car, have your lunch, and your car will be towed due to your miscalculation regarding how laid back the locals are unless it’s at Enchantments.
6) – You are not prepared to move here if you spent a week with us in October. And don’t shiver when you talk about the “October Cold.” Even if you’re just spouting off and have no intention of ever moving here, you sound like a rube. Spend the month of February or March with us and we’ll see if you’re talking tough. There have been some who have speculated that the entire Boothbay Region economy is fueled by awestruck tourists buying houses in September and selling them at a loss sometime in April.
5) – Don’t assume we have your dog food in stock – please call ahead. Don has been frustrated by all the people who walk into our shop and expect him to have their food waiting for them. And at Petsmart prices. Even if you have ordered it with us every single year since we opened, Don won’t order it unless you give us a call. Give Don at least 2 weeks for your special order. Give Don a chance. Otherwise he gets angry and takes it out on the dogs. (Editors note: Pahleese.)
4) – We don’t care about the great cell phone coverage where you come from. We don’t care about your unlimited data plan. When you come to Boothbay, that all goes out the window. Find your little cell-safe spots and stop complaining. Or come into the shop and ask to use our phone. As long as it’s in this hemisphere and doesn’t cost us anything, I’m sure Don will allow it. What Don won’t allow is you to come into the shop and complain loudly about lousy cell phone service in Boothbay and what a great plan/service you have Schenectady. It’s been done, people. And done by better people than you.
3) – Don’t be rude. Be nice when ordering something. Especially all you New Yorkers out there. When we say “Can I help you?” Don’t say, “Gimmie a glassa wata.” Try saying something like, “Can I get a glass of water please?” Or “A glass of water, please.” Practice this on the mannequins on 5th Ave before you load up your rental car to come up and bother us.
And while we’re on the subject of New Yorkers – we’ve HEARD that New York City has the BEST of everything. We’ve been told this over and over. Even the minuscule glass of grayish chlorine-water you get with your meal in NYC is SOOOO much better than the simple water we afford you at our restaurants from our humble reservoir. Give it a rest, please.
2) – wear your clothes. there is nothing more pathetic than a homo sapien walking down the streets of Boothbay Harbor with only a swimsuit on. I’m a dog and I don’t care what your body looks like so believe me when I tell you – you look like trailer trash. You look like you were just dumped out of some awful hillbilly truck. Sure, being barely naked and walking down a crowded street is acceptable when you’re in Miami Beach, Hayseedville USA, Wal-Marts around the country and in Your Cult. In Maine you are a drunken, boorish lout. I don’t think I can be clearer on the subject.
1) – Bring a parka. Yes. Even in August. People have died. DIED. Be prepared. Don’t be one of the statistics.
Augustus Megatron Bulldozer