auggie, Author at The Harbor Dogs' Stories

Jul 1, 2023

AUGUST ADVICE – by Auggie

Dear Augustus;
I am a Golden Retriever and my Bipeds dress me up in just ridiculous thick coats in the winter. Then they shave me in the summer. I look like a fool and I get sunburned! I scratch and scratch and scratch after I’m shaved, but the Bipeds take no notice.

May 1, 2023

MAN BITES DOG AND OTHER CODSWALLOP – by Auggie

Regard me and be warned, Bipeds. I resolve not to be the recipient of your guff, bullroar, hogwash, claptrap, bunk, or other such codswallop. Bipeds pay taxes and get to vote. Bipeds thus control the game and get redress for their many grievances in multiple avenues. I require food to live, and so my Biped […]

Jan 1, 2023

DOG TREATMENT IN THIS GIMCRACK TOWN – by Auggie

Editor’s Note: The opinions, descriptions, ratings, characterizations, insults, malapropisms, and vituperations are the sole province of Augustus Megatron Bulldozer Kingsbury- a dog. Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters cannot take responsibility for this atrocity. I’ve been held captive in this pathetic appendix of a town for longer than I care to admit. I am described as […]

Sep 1, 2022

PSHAW!!! – by Auggie

We live in evil times. You slothful whelps out there hardly know meaning, suffering nor sacrifice from your own butt. You think everything is but little trinkets for your amusement and wonderment. Have you forgotten all the rabid raccoons, skunks, and porcupines we older generation hath fought for your basic freedoms? And what thanks do […]

Apr 1, 2022

The Evil Vets – by Auggie

You should know that for this Blog I originally proposed booking a flight to one of those primitive countries what delight in eating dogs. Then my plan was to stalk, hunt, kill, and eat a Dog-Eating Biped on Facebook Live. Don’t be so shocked. It is only a murder if it is Biped on Biped […]

Nov 1, 2021

Whackjob Invictus – by Auggie

https://www.twosaltydogs.net/blog/big-dumb-people-by-big-buddy-dog/

Don has taken a lot of flak since he started writing the segment “We Love Hate Mail!” He has been banned from the Pen Bay Pilot newspaper from running ads, had numerous interactions on “Social Media” with people who think he hates tourists, and people have sent emails calling him a hypocritical clod for making his living off tourists and disparaging them at the same time. Of course, Don IS a clod who is too weak to deal with these imbeciles, but he is not a hypocrite.

Aug 1, 2021

The Augmentor Cometh – by Auggie

[Editor’s note: Auggie tore his right ACL tendon and damaged his left this spring. He was in a lot of pain when it happened. Instead of surgery, Liana and I opted to enroll him in physical therapy and alternative treatments. You should know that Auggie also has a very vivid imagination.] Those of you […]

Feb 1, 2021

Slouching Towards Edgecomb – by Auggie

I was dragged back to a room where I was subjugated. Against my most ardent protestations, my front-left leg was shaved. “I AM AN AMERICAN DOG CITIZEN! I HAVE RIGHTS! I bellowed out into the reverberating concrete anteroom. “I DO NOT CONSENT!! I WANT MY LAWYER!!”I screamed as they slipped the IV into my shaved leg. I thought I heard someone (Don?) laugh as the drugs took effect and my reality melted away.

Then there was nothing.

Sep 1, 2020

Zuckerstruck – by Auggie

How do you do, you lugubrious swine? Shall I display to you the enormous sweep of my influence? Swallow the last of your warm, spittle-infused canned beer and refrain from asking questions until I direct you that such questions are welcome. Anything less would waste my valuable time. August 22nd, 2020 Two Salty Dogs Pet […]

Apr 1, 2020

Vetting the Vets – by Auggie

Salutations, depraved quislings. Be seated. That is an order. When I heard we were going to “The Vets” the other day, I thought I would spend the day at a local VFW, drinking cheap beer with the heroes of our nation. Nothing could have been further from the truth. No doubt you have heard about […]