Feb 1, 2016
I am Augustus, ruler of all things Canine. You’re welcome.
Now, before I get into my obligatory contribution for this paltry newsletter, I must make one thing absolutely, perfectly, crystal clear. I did not have relations with that wiener dog.
I have fought off these types of assaults before. As if the mere suggestion of coquettish behavior on my behalf would send me into a tailspin of terror, shame, and blackmail. For those of you who would tread such a path, I can only remind you- I may not be the biggest dog on the block but I am the baddest. Do your worst and cover your butt. Max.
Ginger (the wiener dog in question) and I have known each other since we were innocent pups. We share fond memories of youth and relish a connection seldom found in others dogs. No one can even come close to her skill when it comes to a game of Nip & Chase. And when she would run up on the Forbidden Couch to escape my onslaught during those feverish games…? Sheer genius. My tail wags for thee.
I would be lying to you if I said I never wondered what it would be like to be with a wiener dog. But our relationship is purely professional. I am in total control of my actions and would never let my yearnings for any dog, no matter how desirable, distract me from my destiny to rule the Salty Pack.
The Dead Noses have come up with a hollow and shameless promotion in which I would be forced to “Kiss” complete and utter strangers whose only qualification is that they can stumble their way into our shop with money in hand.
The indignity of it all infuriates me to the point where I can’t even sit correctly for a treat. How DARE they use me as an object? I RUN this whole rotten show! The Glorified Neanderthals will certainly rejoice in my having to kiss all kinds of hoboes, ne’er do wells, and otherwise unkempt baboons. And what recourse will I have? Every “kiss” benefits the Lincoln County Animal Shelter – and that is a cause I cannot resist.
All that I could bear with gritted teeth and good graces, but the greatest indignity is that they are selling my precious affections for a mere $1/kiss. Yes. You read that right. ONE DOLLAR FOR A KISS. I am absolutely gobsmacked.
Ginger has told me in moments of complete trust, confidence, and objectivity that I -Augustus Megatron Bulldozer – am the best kisser in the world and that my kisses are worth AT LEAST $1,000,000. Why would the Bread-Eaters sell me, and the Lincoln County Animal Shelter, so embarrassingly short?
The Lincoln County Animal Shelter is the BEST animal shelter that will exist from the Big Bang until the unavoidable heat-death of the universe. Why wouldn’t they make me the marquee attraction and sell my kisses for $10,000 each? I would be glad to do so and we could make billions!
But no. This February 13th I will be forced to play the part of a pathetic slobbering slave-dog. Please come by and help make this ordeal bearable for us all.
Augustus Megatron Bulldozer