Let Loose the Dogs of War - by Don

Posted October 1, 2018

These days, the war is a grinding attrition of wills akin to WWI trench warfare - there’s lots of hate and gassings, and neither of us is going to move much. Max takes his time. On his way to the car he sniffs this bush.... nips that blade of grass... Looks stalwartly behind him every 10 seconds as if to say “Was that a threatening sound?” It can take over 25 minutes to get Max the twenty-five feet to the car without any prompting. It’s as maddening as 1ft/minute sounds.

Bad Days to Be a Black Hot Dog - by Max

Posted September 1, 2018

Sure, in the summer there are a lot more blueberries to scrounge and people to spear in the crotch with my giant head. But I'm a winter dog and I like my walks to be cold, endless, and full of people on snowmobiles who pull over to say hi, give me beef jerky, and let me spear them in the crotch with my giant head. The puffy snowmobile suits really make it easy on the old snout.

Two Poops Galoot - by Buddy

Posted August 1, 2018

The older I get, the harder it is to poop in the time Don gives me. When I was younger, I could poop in minutes. Now, I try and try to poop but it takes forever. And lately one poop just doesn’t cut it. I guess when you get older you appreciate the smaller things in life like hanging your head out the car window and easy pooping.

The Mongrel Scour 2018 - by Auggie

Posted July , 2018

Buddy came in third in this competition. Not because he’s a whip-smart, well-oiled machine, but because he is an old, tired dog and all he wants to do is sit down. He’s so dumb I’m not even sure he knew he was in a competition. I, on the other hand, am a thinking dog. That puts me at a disadvantage, and as such, have never advanced beyond the most basic rounds. It would be like Albert Einstein competing in a hayseed radio sports quiz show for tickets to a local tractor pull.

Love Letters to the Edge - by Don

Posted June 1, 2018

It can be incredibly hard to drill your point into the thick local skulls when you have suffered so much. You also need to get the common rabble on your side whilst enthralling the landed gentry back home with your knowledge of intricate native customs. Follow our letter-writing examples below and you'll have our little region firing on all cylinders as quickly as Paul Coulombe buys up property.

The Peculiar Rules of People - by Max

Posted May 1, 2018

It’s no secret that Bipeds are skimpy with food. We only get a measly cup of food in the morning and one in the evening. But did you know that they’re skimpy with everything? Trust me. If you are a dog and you had seen what I’ve seen in The Forbidden Shed, you would revolt immediately because you should revolt.

Buddy On The Move - by Big Buddy

Posted April 1, 2018

Have you ever tried putting your head out the car window? It’s the best when the car is moving. I like to hang my head out the car window. When I hang my head out the car window, it feels like I’m running really fast! Faster than I’ve ever run in my life. I know that isn’t very fast, but that’s why it’s so addicting.

Separation Angst - by Auggie

Posted March 1, 2018

If those Donkeys still don't come home, I’ll begin the methodical destruction of the kitchen. Believe me, Kitchen-Destruction can be a beautiful work of art. It cannot be done by dogs that are sloppy, frantic, or pedantic. It MUST be done by a dog with an artistic composure. Let me share my process with you.

Salty to the Bone - Auggie - The Salad Days - by Don

Posted February 1, 2018

Instead of gasbagging another story about how Puppy Max humiliated me, I thought I’d switch it up with a last-minute hacked-together e-pulp about Auggie. Of course I’ll include enough tender moments so you won’t call Animal Services on me. And please refrain from being one of the dozens of miscreants who send me emails full of unfocused abuse, terrible grammar, and egregious misspellings. I thank you in advance.

Christmas Presence - by Max

Posted January 1, 2018

In normal packs, a Biped like Don should chew the wrapping off the presents. But Don is so moody that Liana probably can’t trust him to do a decent job like me. And Don would probably try to swallow any whiskey he got as a gift and we’d end up having to rush him to the vets to have his stomach pumped.

How to Get Don Up for Breakfast - By Big Buddy

Posted December 1, 2017

Speaking of food, Don usually does a pretty good job feeding us. But some days he spends too long in bed. He will even stay in bed when the sun is out. And us dogs will be starving. Really starving! And some days Don will stay in bed for over an hour after the sun is up. And that’s when Don needs a little help getting out of bed and filling the dog bowls.

A Spike in Kamikaze Attacks - by Auggie

Posted November 1, 2017

On the days the Bread Eaters incarcerate me I don’t even know what my crime is. Stealing Big Dumb Buddy’s dog bone? Nipping Max in his fat snout for encroaching on my food bowl? Peeing in the hallway? Stealing a pig ear? Growling at the tail-up princess who challenged me in MY OWN shop? I don’t know, and I can’t tell. But I can’t believe that the Up-Righters just wake up and decide to punish me randomly. They are savage, but they are not random in their savagery....

Salty to the Bone - Max: Volume III - by Don

Posted October 1, 2017

So here we are again, you and me. Me- ready to divulge the innermost and most intimate details of my relationship with Max for your amusement, and You- ready to glance through this blog for any remotely funny snippets to ease the day-to-day brutal grind of your recurring Kafkaesque torment.

We're glad you're here.

Land of the Free and Home of the Dog - by Max

Posted September 1, 2017

I know Don and Liana give me freedoms that wouldn't befit other dogs. I am very grateful to them (Editors Note: Don & Liana, not the other dogs). They give me those freedoms because I go out of my way not to challenge Don and Liana on a whole range of issues.

I don't challenge them by committing common-dog crimes like getting into the garbage, taking up all the bed, barking at insignificant events, digging in the garden, or...

Big Dumb People - By Big Buddy Dog

Posted August 1, 2017

The Crazy Lady was talking to Don about food. The woman kept saying Don should switch my food. She said a lot of things I've never heard before and said that Don should feed me them. Don kept saying nicely that he switched my food and that I was itching because of the pollen. Don was getting frustrated because the Crazy Lady wasn't listening to him. I know that because he started speaking to her very slowly.....

Poop Rules - by Auggie

Posted July 1, 2017

I know all you reprobates are expecting Big Dumb Buddy's blog this month. I had to pre-empt his impaired little ditty to bring you this. It's a critical point of order we need to discuss. And when I say "discuss," I mean that I need you all to shut up, listen to me carefully, and do whatever I tell you immediately and without question....

Salty to the Bone - Max: Volume II - by Don

Posted June 1, 2017

When I left you last, Max was eight weeks old and had emerged from his Stone & Steel Stove Fortress to shred a little toy named Blue Bear. We realized that Max would tolerate us as food, shelter, warmth, treat, and shreddable-toy providers. Nothing else. We were ecstatic.......

From-Away Rube to a Boothbay Region Ruby - by Auggie

Posted May 1, 2017

It is befitting that May's blog should fall to me. In the past I have given all you thronging tourist rabble helpful public service announcements on such topics as: How to Blend Into Boothbay Without Looking Like a Total Rube, Questions Not to Ask at Our Shop Unless You Want to Look Like a Total Rube, and Embarrassing Things That Total Rubes Leave Behind When Visiting Us at Our Fortified Southport Bunker (Editor's Note: It's just a cottage).....

The Greatest Day -- by Max

Posted April 1, 2017

The Greatest Day started like any other - pestering Don to wake up at 4:30AM to feed us, breakfast and walkies, then back to the shop for treats and cajoling customers into giving us buttrubs and more treats. The store was really busy in the morning and it was snowing a little. But towards afternoon, it started snowing really hard and nobody came in. .....

Happy Things & Sad Things - By Buddy

Posted March 6, 2017

I don't even know where to start writing. Should I mix up all the things so all the sad things aren't together and make you really sad? Or maybe I should keep the sad things together because all the happy things will be together and that would make you really happy.....

Salty to the Bone - Max: Volume I - by Don

Posted February 1, 2016

Did you know that some of the names we considered for Max were: Gary, Bulge, Dozer, Bums, Chumlee, Pudgebot? No? That's because we were only seriously considering the non-stupid names. We're not totally deranged. But we got a solid laugh out of it, and I......

2016 Sucked -- by Auggie

Posted December 31, 2016

Yes. I posted this a day earlier than the other blogs. Don't test my leftover manufactured holiday cheer. I'm warning you.

Daylight Enslaving Time -- by Max

Posted December 1, 2016

Now, I'm not a dog who complains all the time, but it happened again this year. Sometime in early November Don stopped feeding us at the proper time. We three good dogs would get up at the regular breakfast time and wait patiently for breakfast. And wait. And when we could wait no more, we would....

Beastie Creatures -- By Buddy

Posted November 1, 2016

I'm glad it's my turn to write because since this summer something very strange has been happening around the shop. There are these little Beastie Creatures hanging around! I try to talk to them, but they just keep.....

9 Questions Not to Ask Don or Dog - by Auggie

Posted October 1, 2016

Hello all you thronging rabble. It is I, your Beloved and Benevolent Canine Overlord ~ Augustus Megatron Bulldozer. Please be seated.

The rumors are true. I have in my possession the best toy in the world. I dare say even better than pink piggy. It is like pink piggy in every aspect except that it resembles something called an "Underdog......"

How To Get More Food If You Love Food - By Max

Posted September 1, 2016

Max here. I am just fine, thank you!

As many of you know, I love food. Lots of food. Many kinds of food. In fact, if you have some food right now, there is a 99% chance that I would eat it. The only foods I won't eat are celery because the strings stick in my teeth and.... Hmmmmm..... and...... Well.....

Coal - by Don

Posted August 1, 2016

Hi there. It's Don. And I'm not a dog.

I didn't think it was appropriate for another dog to write about this. And given how much I loved Coal, I didn't think it was appropriate to skip or gloss over it. We lost Coal on July 19th. He was almost 13......

Hardly Working Dogs - By Buddy

Posted July 1, 2016

Hi there! It's Big Smart Buddy Dog! Writin' the Blog! And I'm rhyming like a... like a... Dog.

I'm not good at rhyming.

17 Messes in May - by Coal

Posted June 1, 2016

(Editors note: It is NOT RECOMMENDED you read this blog if you are queasy in general, and eating in specific. We are serious. You were warned).

Hi there! It's handsome Coal Dog and it's my turn at the blog. I hope I don't let you all down!

We moved back to the Southport cabin and I threw up my first four meals....

Supreme Fetch Dog Throughout All The Land - By Auggie

Posted May 1, 2016

I AM AUGUSTUS MEGATRON BULLDOZER. First of all Canines in Rome and otherwise. Get used to it.

I WILL ADMIT THAT BEING SUPERIOR to all dogs and humans has left me a bit lonely. Not lonely in the fuzzy, plebeian, common-rabble way like sharing a dog bed with old chums, but rather.....

Buddy Power! - By Buddy

Posted April 1, 2016

Hi there! It's me, Big Smart Buddy Dog!

I want to tell you about something that was really scary. Don and Liana didn't love me anymore. It was pretty scary! Don is usually my best buddy! And I am his dog named Buddy. I thought we had Buddy Power. But Buddy Power! failed that day.

On the morning of the Terrible Day, all the other dogs got breakfast and all I got was water...

Always a Head-Rub for a Good Dog - By Max

Posted March 1, 2016

Max here. I am just fine, thank you!

I'd like to talk to you for a second about someone who meant a lot to me. I can't remember when he wasn't a part of my life. He was Whit Smith and he was my friend.

Whit's gone now. I was by his side when when he passed.

Pucker Up Dead-Noses - by Auggie

Posted February 1, 2016

I am Augustus, ruler of all things Canine. You're welcome.

Now, before I get into my obligatory contribution for this paltry newsletter, I must make one thing absolutely, perfectly, crystal clear. I did not have relations with that wiener dog..........

Fat Dog Food No More - by Coal

Posted January 1, 2016

Hi there it's Handsome Coal Dog. I hope you are well.

We had a GREAT Christmas at Chez Salty! I got a new Kick Fetch! And make sure you're holding on to something solid when I tell you this next thing: IT GLOWS IN THE DARK! Now I can play fetch at all hours! It was one of the happiest moments of my life other than when I was whelped.....

Keys to the Kitchen of my Heart - by Buddy

Posted December 1, 2015

Hi everyone! It's me - Big Smart Buddy!

We had such a great Thanksgiving. Dons Mom came to stay and there were such great smells coming from the kitchen I could hardly believe it! It was everything I could do to not hop up on the hot stove and eat all the...

Rotten Apples but Good Boys -- By Max

Posted November 1, 2015

Max here. I am just fine, thank you!

What a great fall we had here in Boothbay Harbor! There were so many blueberries and raspberries and blackberries! And now all the apples are becoming rotten. Even Don will grab a few ripe ones off the tree as we hike Boothbay Region Land Trusts...

Fashion Shows and Mashed Potatoes -- By Auggie

Posted October 1, 2015

I am Emperor Augustus, your Canine Lord and Master. I can be benevolent or malevolent. Your attitude towards me will determine what attitude you shall receive from me.

Thanks a lot, Deadnoses. One of you ratted me out and ruined my dreams and ambitions of taking over this rotten pack in a single email. Please leave me YOUR bosses and wives email addresses and allow me to.....

The Acorn and the Anvil -- by Coal

Posted September 4, 2015

Thank you for calling me Handsome Coal Dog. I have been working on ways to become more handsome for all the nice people. There is this lovely pile of rotten seaweed in Southport I've been trying to work into my back and belly areas. And I just love the chance to work that warm, moisturizing, stinky swamp mudpack into every single pore of my body. I hope you all appreciate it........

Buddy the Extraordinary Gentledog -- By Buddy

Posted August 18, 2015

Don calls me "Big Dumb Buddy" because he says I'm big, I'm dumb, and my name is Buddy. Sometimes he'll sing a song to me:

He's a Big Dumb Buddy Dog,
Buddy Dog.
He's our big dumb dog.

Scraps, Scrubs, Berries & Buddies -- By Max

Posted August 1, 2015

Max Here! I am just fine. Thank You!

For those of you who expected Buddy to be writing this blog because it was his turn, he's asked me to tell you that he is completely exhausted from winning the Doggie Musical Chairs at the Mutt Scrub.....

Blitzkrieg Birthday Manifesto -- By Auggie

Posted July 1, 2015

I am Augustus Megatron Bulldozer. If you do exactly as I say, EXACTLY...... you may stand a chance of leaving Boothbay Harbor alive this summer.

As so many of you know, my birthday is on July 5th. I will be turning four in dog years, but in human years I'll be turning 28 - old enough to run for office in this provincial way-station of Maine. I try to be positive, but what can you do....

The Breakfasts and The Dogmanity -- By Coal

Posted June 1, 2015

We're used to a lot of craziness around Chez Salty. But you will need to suspend disbelief when I tell you what befell us 4 Good Dogs on the weekend of May 2nd.

The day started out normally enough. A great day of treats and belly rubs for us boys at the shop while I sat in the car the entire day. When the shop was finally closed, Don loaded us all into the car and headed back to....

High-Fivin' The Night Away -- by Buddy.

Posted May 1, 2015

My name is Buddy and this is my first time writing on the Blog. Or anything for that matter. I hope I don't let you all down!

All the other dogs have been asking me to write. I think they don't want to write as much. Except for Auggie. He writes a lot. And I didn't want to write until I felt like I was truly a member of Chez Salty. I am happy to

Fare Thee Well, Winter -- by Max

Posted April 1, 2015

Max here! I am just fine, thank you!

Did you vote for us as the best Maine Pet Store? No? DO IT NOW! Do it NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Don always jokes that if we don't win he'll have to give one of us dogs up to medical testing just to make ends meet.......

Wonder Not, Gentle Suburbanite -- By Auggie

Posted March 1, 2015

My Name is Augustus. My friends may call me "Auggie" or "Aug Dog." Only my most intimate acquaintances may call me "Auggie Doggie." You most certainly may NOT call me "Hoggie" or "Hog Dog." And "Hawggie Dawggie" is out of the question. There will be grave consequences should you cross that line. You know who you are, and you should tremble with fear until....

The BIG One -- by Max

Posted February 1, 2015

Hi There! I'm Max. I'm just fine, thank you!

I finally got time at the computer because Don is out bringing in the rest of the wood pile before the BIG STORM tomorrow buries it all until next June. He wasn't happy about having to do it either, that salty old cuss! It's good for him though. Like when I get my ears cleaned. I HATE that! But afterwards...."

Coal in Your Stocking - By Coal

Posted on January 1, 2015

Hi there, I'm Coal the fuzzy 11-year old lab at the store. My muzzle is getting pretty gray. Thank you for not reminding me of that. I still feel 2 years old.

A lot of you have been coming into the shop to say hello to me and I am nowhere to be found. But don't worry! I'm just out in the car. I like to spend long hours in the car around.....

Auggie's Reign Deer of Terror

Posted on December 14,2014

I am Augustus. You should address me as such. See that you do in future, and your past transgressions shall be forgotten.

My intention was to write a heartwarming account of the "True Meaning of Christmas" using the adopt-o-dogs Buddy and Coal as my pity-vehicles because the Christmas topic has never......

Three Men Night -- by Max

Posted on November 27, 2014

Hi There! I'm Max. I'm just fine, Thank You!

It's only November, but we're having our second blizzard! And boy oh boy has it been a great day! Not only did we get morning walkies, but when the snow started to pile up this afternoon, Don took all...

The Buddy of My Buddy is Coal's Friend -- By Coal

Posted on November 1, 2014

Hi there, I'm Coal the fuzzy black lab at the shop who likes food, long walks on the beach, pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. I'm not into yoga, and yes, I have half a brain. And for those of you who got that song reference without web-help - congratulations!

Lately things have been getting slower at the shop. So those of you who came in this summer to rub...

Break Away From Being "From Away" Volume I -- By Auggie

Posted on October 16, 2014

My first name is Augustus. My middle name is Megatron. My Surname is Bulldozer. I am Auggie. You must yield to me. I will protect you.

Now, I'm a practical dog. I like my treats hearty, my walks long, and my breath stinky at all times. I have no time for pretension. And I must say that I love this time of year when things have slowed down...

Jeepers Creepers-- Leaf Peepers! -- By Max

Posted On October 1, 2014

Max Here. I am just fine, Thank You!

And a big "Thank You!" to those of you who are reading this through the link on our new newsletter! Talk about bragging rights! You are my best buddies in the whole world! If I could come out of this computer to rub your head and say "Good Bi-Ped! Good Boy! Let's go on Walkies!" I would.....

Fall Down, Clean-Up -- By Auggie

Posted on September 9, 2014

I am Augustus Megatron Bulldozer. You may know me as "Auggie" or "Aug Dog." I am the anchor for this whole train wreck of a store. Thank you for supporting my reform efforts.

As you may know, the coast of Maine is much more relaxed now that all you tourists are safely....

Berry Friendly - By Max

Posted on August 22, 2014

I am Max and I am just fine, thank you! And thanks for all the belly-rubs this summer!

I just wanted to let all you bipeds know that the blackberries at Ocean Point Preserve are ripe. Not at the actual Ocean Point, but at the Boothbay Region Land Trust's Ocean Point Preserve! Auggie, Coal....

Coal's Birthday 2014 - By Coal

Posted on August 7, 2014

Hi there. I'm Coal. I'm the big fuzzy Lab you'll see asleep in front of the register. Don says I fall asleep there so I can get my fair share of attention. I just fall asleep there because I get a good view of the free treat bowl. If one of those things should accidentally fall to the ground, I will be on it like.... like... like... something really quick on something really....

Boothbay Harbor Mutt Scrub 2014

Posted on July 23, 2014

I am Augustus Megatron Bulldozer. Most of you respectfully call me Auggie, Aug, or Aug Dog. Don calls me Hog Dog or Seagull (Editor's Note: Because if he had wings he'd fly to all the restaurants and fight the seagulls for the french fries in the parking lot). He shan't have that sense of humor for long. I shall see to that. I have already enacted a clever plan to hide or destroy all his......

Max's Birthday / New Website! - By Max

Posted on June 21, 2014

Max Here. I am just fine, thank you!

In case you missed it, my 7th birthday on May 16th was just fine. I got a squirrel-covered cake like I asked for (Editor's Note: They were squirrels made of yogurt frosting, not the real squirrels he was.....

Coal’s Zombie Class 2013 - By Coal

Posted on October 8, 2013

Hi there. I’m Coal, the 10-year old black lab at Two Salty Dogs. Don calls me “The Geezer.” I’m the black lab at the shop who loves swimming, playing fetch, peanut butter treats, and affection. In fact, I like just about everything, everyone, and every dog I’ve ever met. The only thing I cannot stand is zombies. Filthy, stinking, rotten, brain-eating zombies! DOG……I hate them SO much!!!!!!!!!!!

HarborFest 2013 - By Max

Posted on September 9, 2013

Max here. I am just fine, thank you.

Just a quick update on the Mutt Scrub– We raised over $1,000 for the Lincoln County Animal Shelter and BARKK! Everyone did such a great job! And Coal won the the dog version of musical chairs.....

Boothbay Harbor Mutt Scrub 2013 - By Auggie

Posted on July 20, 2013

I am Aug. This is my dog blog. Yes. I like the ring to that…. Aug’s Dog Blog. Well, what do you know?

First of all, “thank you” to my loyal followers who alerted me that my pack-mates have been calling me “Seagull” behind my back. Don started this insolence, and says it’s because I go after dropped treats in...

Max's Birthday 2013 - By Max

Posted on May 16, 2013

Max here. I am just fine, thank you. Singing— “It’s My Birthday and I’ll Eat As Much As I Want To…”

That’s right. My Birthday is on the 16th of May. I try to play it up as much as I can, but the shop first opened on that day. And Cole/Coal came to us on that day. So sometimes my special day gets....

Fisherman's Festival 2013 - Auggie

Posted on April 12, 2013

Auggie Here, I have just read The Fattie’s paltry, hack-job, write-up from last year’s Fisherman’s Festival. I am so angry I could bite through a rhinoceros femur bone.

How long did you think I wouldn’t be able to read, LoserDog? Did you think I would let this one slide? Balderdash…. I will tell it exactly how last year’s Fisherman’s Festival happened.....

Boothbay Region Land Trust Trails - By Coal

Posted on April 12, 2013

Coal here, My coat IS very soft and furry. Thank you for saying so. I am only as Dog made me, and I am glad you people enjoy rubbing it so much. Sometimes in the winter the rubbing builds up a static charge and it zaps my nose. So watch out. I wouldn’t want my nose to zap you because of my furry coat....

Walk for the Animals 2013 - By Max

Posted on February 25, 2013

Max here. I am just fine, thank you. The nights are getting longer and cooler, and I notice all the squirrels are fatter and more insolent. And the annoying thing is that I have to wake Liana and Don up in pitch blackness to get fed at 4:45am. Sometimes forcefully. Sometimes by staring balefully at their faces with my snout ½ inch from their face until my dank exhale cakes their eyes with gunk......

I am Coal. Hear Me Bark! - By Coal

Posted on September 20, 2012

Both Max and Aug say it’s about time I wrote something to earn my keep, so here I am. I am Cole. You may know me as the black lab who hangs out in front of the store with the silver beard, white stripe on my chest, and sleeps in the bushes when he’s tired of being poked and prodded. I’m new to this pack, so I’m going to change my name to Coal. My 9th birthday is on August 15th. I hope....

Deb's Used Tennis Balls - By Auggie

Posted on August 26, 2012

I am Auggie and this is my first write-up. I had been trying to avoid doing this shellackery for as long as I could. But I could not allow Fatso’s (Editor’s Note– Max’s) last recrimination of me to stand. I have NOT bitten anyone. Maybe when I was a 3-month old pup, but certainly not after then. I have bitten FATSO plenty of times, but only as a defensive maneuver, and absolutely not intended to harm him. But....

Max Loves Food -- By Max

Posted on June 18, 2012

Max here. Auggie and Cole are fighting over a stuffed penguin covered in dog drool. It’s a normal night here in Southport.

Those of you who know me know that I love food. I mean I reeeeeeaaaaally love food. And yes, I know....

It's Not a K9 Crooked House, It's a K9 Crooked Home - By Max & Auggie

Posted on May 22, 2012

Max: I guess they call these K-9 Crooked Houses a “dog house.”
Aug: I thought a dog house was where my toys, rope, and dog bones were.
Max: Nope. That's what you call a “Human House” or “Property.” But you can put all of your favorite things into a dog house.
Aug: ROWF!!!! I thought Property was MY house. What's a dog house?