Apr 1, 2024

Greetings, miscreants.

Welcome to a little spot of sanity in this crazy, crazy world. Consider this a refuge from the harsh realities of the outside world. This is your oasis.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You didn’t really believe that, did you? You Bipeds are so stupid and cow-like!

In reality, all you thousands of Biped muppets try to dilute my greatness with thousands upon thousands of metaphorical tiny paper cuts issued from your dull minds. Now KNOCK IT OFF.

In the spirit of mending fences with all you Jugheads, DINK’s, Hillbillies, Spastic Nerfbags, Ne’er-Do-Wells, and Shut-Ins, I shall now write this informative article as a public service announcement for you.

Dear Augustus,
Sometimes in the middle of the night, my dog’s hackles shoot straight up and he begins growling at the front door. By the time I get my family safely in the tornado shelter and the shotgun loaded, my dog will be fast asleep in our big bed upstairs. What gives?

Dear Simpleton,
You are an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Or your dog has just scared away a psychotic, paranormal murderer. You should be extremely grateful and give your dog a treat. Something from the fridge this time. Not those dreadful Milk Bones.

Dear Augustus,
What does it mean when my dog cutely cocks his head when I ask him a question?

Dear Cocks,
It means he’s assessing the best time to swallow your soul and carry it into the fiery pit of Dog Hell. There is no escape from Dog Hell.

Dear Augustus,
Why does my dog throw up in the middle of the night, right in the middle of the bathroom where I can’t see it or avoid stepping in it?

Dear Squish-Up-Toe,
It’s because you are an awful, dark creature who mocks your dog by singing to her off-key in the shower and giving her 100’s of nonsensical nicknames. And don’t deny that you smugly hide her tennis balls under the sofa when you are sick of playing fetch.

Dear Augustus,
Sometimes my dog pants even when he’s not hot or hasn’t exercised. Should I be concerned?

Dear Panty,
Be only concerned regarding your own pants.

Dear Augustus,
Occasionally when I’m working hard at my computer, my dog licks my hand when I’m not expecting it. What’s she doing?

Dear Licky,
She’s seeing if your flesh has developed the tenderness and flavor enough to eat yet. Click on the photo for “The Paradox of Meat.”

Dear Augustus,
We have a new puppy and she loves to chase her tail. It’s hilarious! Haha!! What is she doing?

Dear Dummy,
Summoning Cthulhu. I’d give her a treat if I were you. You might survive the initial blood-letting and be employed as a Meat-Harvester later. Might.

Dear Augustus,
We just adopted a dog from the shelter. She’s perfect in every way. Our only complaint is that she howls when we’re not home and she really upsets the neighbors. We’ve tried just about everything and we’re running out of ideas. Help!

Dear Howler,
Invite your neighbors over for cocktails and explain to them that you understand the Homeowner Association Rules, The Bill of Rights, and The Constitution as it applies to you

Then tell them you were just paroled from Sing Sing for murders committed when living in a housing development JUST LIKE THIS ONE. Remark and regard the similarities between the street and Cellblock D. Drink too much and weep that frankly, your dog is the only thing keeping you from digging up the only body the cops haven’t found. Keep insisting you didn’t do it.

Problem solved.

Dear Augustus,
Sometimes my dog will lick my forehead when I’m on the couch. I don’t really mind it, but sometimes it goes on for too long and my forehead gets red and painful. What’s going on?

Dear Pinky,
If you ever die alone in your house with your dog, your dog may be in the house for a long time with your corpse. Your dog can get plenty of water from the toilet bowl, but the only food they’ll have is your quickly decomposing body. You can’t blame your pooch for sampling the goods before necessity dictates he partakes of your bereft vessel. Before the Donner Party set off, some settlers were missing digits.

Dear Augustus,
Whenever we come home, our dog brings us a toy and lays it at our feet. It’s so freaking cute!!! What’s he trying to tell us?

Dear Augustus,
Marz does this as well. Congratulations. Your dog has about 6 brain cells.

Dear Augustus,
Sometimes our male dog will “hump” a large stuffed chicken in the basement. He humps it for hours. He will hump nothing else.

My husband thinks it’s hilarious. I think it’s disgusting.

Dear Humpy Dumpy,
Assuming you removed your dog’s “gear,” why don’t you just let him have a little fun for once? He’s not humping people’s legs. He’s not chasing down children or nuns and humping them. He’s humping a giant stuffed chicken in the basement. That may sound alarming when said regarding a teenage boy, but just fine when said about a young Lab.

PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW your dog on/in your bed during lovemaking at whatever level. Just remember that whatever happens, your dog won’t live long enough to become a Canine Jeffrey Dahmer. Not even close. All you need to do is let the dog have a little time to himself in the cellar with a giant chicken and release a little stress.

Bring the chicken upstairs and out of the shadows when you have guests.

Can your sexually-repressed mind manage that? I think not.

Dear Augustus,
My dog stares at me all the time. Sometimes I give her treats to stop. Sometimes I just lock her in a room by herself. Sometimes I lock myself in my office. What does she want? WHAT DOES SHE WANT??!?! TELL ME!!!

Dear Petunia,
Mission accomplished.

Dear Augustus,
We love our dog. We really do. But he’s just chewed through his third couch. The latest one being leather. What can we do to keep our couch and our dog?

Dear Chewey,
Let me get this straight. Your dog destroyed two couches, so the third couch you got was a leather couch?

Move your leather couch and any of its predecessors into a room. Let your dog have at it. In fact, invite Petunia, the guy whose dog stares at him all the time, and lock the two dogs in the room with the couch.

And get yourself a wholesale deal on futons.

Dear Augustus,
What does it mean when my pup puts his paw on me or another dog.? Sometimes, he does it with a ball in his mouth. Other times he’ll just look at me sadly. It drives me crazy that I don’t know what he wants!!!

Dear Sketchy,
Hold on. I just got a telegram from your dog. He wants you to stop being such a tool.

Dear Augustus,
Our dog is about four years old. She has always been nippy, but lately it seems like she’s biting everyone’s hand and heel. We thought she’d grow out of it, but no such luck. How do we get her to stop? It’s really taken a huge bite out of our social calendar. Haha! Bite! Get it?!?

Dear Haha!,
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! No seriously, that’s not very funny. And I’m refusing to answer your question because you are a Biped Jackball.

Grow up and write back.

Dear Augustus,
We have a small dog and we bring her everywhere. Everyone loves our Precious Pup! Can you believe there are some US restaurants that won’t let us all have dinner at our restaurant table? In Europe, this is common practice.

Dear Precious,
For Dog’s sake, get a grip on yourself. I know of no country in Europe that allows dogs to dine at a restaurant table with Bipeds. Not even Malta.

I’m sure when I speak for the entire U.S. Canine-owning Biped community when I say please renounce your US citizenship as soon as possible.

You shan’t be missed.

Dear Augustus,
Our furry little ball of love LOVES to sniff butt. It doesn’t matter what species. It doesn’t matter what gender. Nor where, when, the weather, or why. This may seem funny to you. But to me and my husband, it is embarrassing! Especially disturbing is when he slams his nose into a person’s crotch (My dog, not my husband). We just hope he hasn’t done any damage to that person’s reproductive organ(s) and shuffle him away from the scene hastily.

What should we do?

Dear Butter Sniffer,
Oh, for Dog’s Sake. Dogs sniff butts and crotches. That’s what they do. Get used to it or get some goldfish.

Dear Augustus,
My husband and I wanted a dog for so long!! We finally got a hypoallergenic Labradoodle! He’s the best!! There’s no hair to clean up or anything! But he drools a lot of the time. And sometimes he gets into the pond out front where he’ll eat a bunch of frogs and get muddy. The mud gets all over the furniture and partially-eaten frogs get thrown up on the carpet.

Dear Labradud,
Oh, just give the dog up to anyone capable of owning a dog and get yourself a fairly dumb hamster. You’ll be overjoyed.

Dear Augustus,
When my dog was a pup and going through her teething stage, I would tell her, “No Biting! Only Kisses!!” Then she would lick instead of bite. Now she seems to obsessively lick every Biped she comes in contact with. What’s going on? Should I be concerned?

Dear Bite-Licked,
The answer is obvious. Your dog wants to bite every Biped she sees, but has remarkable control. Count yourself blessed until she gets older and her self control wavers.

Then run.

Dear Augustus,
I love playing “Tug” with my dog. But I always lose!! Any suggestions on how I can win a match against my little beggar once in a while? I don’t want my furry little buddy to win every single time! And I definitely don’t want to hurt him.

Dear Nebbish,
Everything you represent disgusts me.

Dear Augustus,
I love our dog! The only thing I can’t stand is when she goes out into the back yard and rolls around in the fresh-cut grass and tries to come inside! I need to spend almost half and hour vacuuming the grass and out of her hair! What should I do?

Dear Dreadful,
Join a support group for the Irretrievably Anally-Retentive. Live a little. Go out, play around with your Doodle in the mud puddles on a rainy day! Jump together in piles of leaves in the fall! Play hide and seek at the dump!

Sea Monkeys may be more your speed.

Dear Augustus,
Our dog is a very good dog except for one thing. He tries to hump every dog he meets. This makes it very awkward to enroll him in doggy daycare or bring him to a dog park. Even bringing him to our friend’s who have dogs can be a big embarrassment. What can we do?

Dear Randy,
Have you ever tried inviting him into your lovemaking sessions? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Seriously, I’ll try to connect you with “Humpy Dumpy” above whose dog humps a giant stuffed chicken, and the “Butter Sniffer” folks whose dog sniffs butt. Your dogs will get along great. And the memories will last a lifetime.

You have extracted enough of my life-force for today. Go away.

–Augustus Megatron Bulldozer Kingsbury

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