Getting to Know Me Better- by Don

Dec 2, 2020

NO. It’s not a continuation of Max’s new novel “Day of the Dogs.” Sheesh. Settle down.

So many people come in and ask me annoying questions that it makes me want to set my skin on fire. I need my skin to live, so I figured I would take all the most commonly-asked questions you hillbillies ask me and put them in a handy quick-reference compendium.

CLICK A NUMBER AND I WILL ANSWER HONESTLY

1) Favorite phrase to describe an ugly baby.
Lil Bundle o’ Ugly
2) Cottage or regular cheese?
2) Cottage
3) First time you ate ribs
3) 1979- I ate them with a knife and fork at Bonanza.
4) Sexiest Federal Reserve member of all time
5) Lather, rinse, repeat?
Lather and rinse only
6) Least respected muppet
Snuffleupagus – Sad, disappears, won’t stand up for himself, leaves his friends hanging in awkward situations that he created. He’s the last of his species so the other last remaining Snuffleupagus wouldn’t even have sex with him to procreate.
7) Jeff Goldblum or Nicholas Cage
9) Chili recipe
Ingredients: 1 Green Pepper 2 Medium Sweet Onions 2lb +/- Plum Tomatoes 2 medium Jalapeños (or more if you want spicier) 1 Large Can Diced Tomatoes (No seasoning) 1 Large Can Crushed Tomatoes (No Seasoning) 1 Large Can Tomato Paste 2 Regular cans black beans (No Seasoning) 2 Regular Cans Dark Kidney Beans (No Seasoning) 2 Regular cans Chili beans (w/ sauce to taste) 1 small can chipotle peppers w/ sauce Handful of sundried tomatoes 1 lb Sirloin 1 lb 85% Hamburger olive oil Worcestershire Sauce Pepper Get 5qt pot and sautee 1 onion in the bottom with a little olive oil. Add Crushed Tomatoes (keep water), Diced Tomatoes (Drain water), Tomato Paste. Blend until smooth. Simmer. Get the seeds & gunk out of the plum tomatoes. Then dice them and add to pot. Simmer uncovered for 2-3hrs (stirring every 20-30 minutes) until excess water has evaporated and sauce is thick. In the meantime, trim and dice sirloin into similar-sized cubes. Sear 1/2lb at a time in a very hot frypan with a little olive oil, Worcestershire Sauce and pepper (do 1/2lb at a time so the frypan stays very hot). DO NOT OVERCOOK. Water should not come out of the sirloin cubes except as steam. Add sirloin to sauce after sauce has simmered a total of 3hrs. In the same pan as the sirloin, crumble and cook hamburger with a little ground pepper, drain fat, add to sauce. Take the frypan add about a cup of water, swirl around so that the water absorbs the drippings. Don’t forget to get the crusty stuff from the sides. Add to sauce. Take can of Chipotle peppers, pour sauce into pot. Dice remaining onion and jalapeños finely and add with remaining chipotle sauce into pot. Blend together. Continue to simmer about 1hr, stirring every 10-15 minutes. After 1hr add diced green pepper. Add sundried tomatoes if the whole mess looks too watery. Open Chili Beans and add to sauce. Open the cans of Black Beans and kidney beans into a strainer. Rinse thoroughly under cold water. Add to sauce. Mix thoroughly. Simmer one more hour, continuing to stir every 10-15 minutes. Serve with Navajo Bread, sour cream, cheddar cheese, cornbread, oyster crackers, and whatever else you like! I like it a little hotter, so I use Franks Hot Sauce or Sriracha. Total simmer time approximately 4-5 hours
10) Chicken or Smallpox
Definitely a chicken. Who would want smallpox?
11) How many times have you thought about the Treaty of Ghent?
547. Usually it’s when I hear the song “Battle for New Orleans” by Johnny Horton. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CnPv_1SVh0
12) Most disappointing ficus plant.
The one I had in my office in Seattle that turned out to be fake.
13) If the earth is flat, wouldn't all the people on the other side fall off?
The earth is round. Don’t be a nutjob.
14) Who would win the battle for Earth; zombies or vampires?
Tough one. It boils down to this: Vampires need blood to survive and zombies have none. Vampires need to sleep during the day. Eventually, zombies will take over the Earth given enough time.
15) Worst non-German luncheon meat.
16) The most chainsaws I can juggle
In my dreams – 6. In reality – 0.
17) Captain's Log or the Natural Log?
Natural Log. Natural beauty and it’s a lot less whiny. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_logarithm
18) Favorite Broadway Showtune
Show tunes make my skin crawl. “The Rum Tum Tugger” – Cats the Musical. I had to just get this link and heard part of it and want to throw myself off a bridge/set myself on fire/guzzle Draino etc… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywFbpDjpZno
19) What was that song that went, you know.... that way?
It was “Do You Believe in Love?” by Huey Lewis & the News. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzIbyDbmsyg
20) Favorite Mesoamerican civilizations
In this order: Olmec, Inca, Aztec, Maya.
21) Where have all the polyps gone?
To Florida to be removed by operations
22) Beatles or Rolling Stones for a funeral/wedding
Play them both at the same time so everyone in attendance understands sadness and misery.
23) Ever lost your pants?
I think they were stolen.
24) If telescopes use mirrors, how will we see space vampires coming?
Too Late.
25) Sexiest insect
26) Least sincere apology
To Santa. Circa 1971 after peeing on him.
27) I'll turn this car right around, I swear to God I will.
You’re going to MAKE me, aren’t you?!?! This is your fault. We were all having fun until YOU had to ruin it. We’re heading back goddamn it. Thanks a lot. Oh sure. crying. Why don’t you apologize to everyone here and we can go on to the next number? That’s what an ADULT would do. That’s what YOU should do. Dammit. I just missed the exit to turn around.
28) How does the crop report get to the government in Trading Places?
Eddie Murphy is great at impersonating Clarence Beeks in the parking garage, but THERE’S NO WAY HE COULD DELIVER IT TO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. He would need to fill out affidavits, provide fingerprints and I’m pretty sure there would be a few people in the government would realize the Clarence Beeks (currently being repeatedly raped by gorillas in a cage) was NOT the person who ultimately delivered the crop report to the USDA. How could our government be so sloppy to allow this fraud to take place? I pay taxes and I expect that the people who are paid by those taxes are competent and fulfill their jobs with diligence and professionalism. But if we can allow a white man like Clarence Beeks to be intercepted, deposed, and put into a hilariously degrading situation for the sake of a couple laughs. I shudder to think what this country has become.
29) Smooth or Chunky
What are we talking about?
30) Most Pleasant Gulag
North-East corrective labor camp (Sevvostlag). They had casual Leap Years. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sevvostlag
31) String Theory?
The sad legacy of String Theory is that it predicts next to nothing. Sure, it gobbles down new particles and their properties. But the problem is that String Theory PREDICTS nothing. It just incorporates verified physics, updates its model and makes everyone think that String Theory predicted it. On top of that, in order to prevent “infinities” from appearing in calculations, it’s necessary for String Theory physicists to apply a process called “normalization” to remove the infinities. Then someone discovered that a lot of the infinities went away if you incorporated 11 dimensions in the calculations. That worked for a while, until it was found that the only way to get rid of the infinities in the calculations was to use an infinite number of dimensions.
32) (In an English accent): Who needs a good spanking, then?
Brian Doyle Murray is up there on the list.
33) Artillery or aerial bombardment?
If the enemy are dug in deeply, try an artillery bombardment. If they are spread out, consider aerial carpet bombing.
34) Favorite time seeing Bob Lindyberg
When he and his wife Lorie sailed up “From Away” and visited us at the Newagen Inn. It was absolutely lovely until I drank too much and was overcome with my own flatulence and a dark sense of persistent despair.
35) Drunkest you've ever been at Chilis and lived
Lived? Never. Never truly lived at Chilis
36) Favorite Mass Extinction
Tie: Permian because of the global glaciation that ensued, and Triassic because of a meteor impact occurring during huge volcanic eruptions.
37) DUCK FEET?!?!?!?
Sigh…. Yes Duck Feet. No, there are no bones in them. Only cartilage. Yes, dogs can process cartilage. It’s OK. We only take one foot off every duck. It’s not as gross as the bully stick you have. What’s a bully stick…? Google it. Have a nice day. Don’t forget to leave a terrible review because I don’t sell Greenies.
38) A list of civil engineering terms that sound dirty but aren't
10) Piping Head 9) DO Sag Curve 8) Rigid Member 7) Leaky Dike 6) Penetration Test 5) Shaft Skin Friction 4) Butt Welds 3) Double Penetration Butt Welds 2) Tightened Nuts 1) Crack Propagation
39) Why are there no A-sized batteries and no B-Series Batteries?
There are. You just need to be in the UK or Russia to get a B Battery. The A Battery is outdated and not manufactured anymore.
40) Jolliest Serial Killer
None other than the Killer Clown himself – John Wayne Gacy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Wayne_Gacy
41) Worst band I actually like
With albums named “A Brown Reason to Live” and “Psychic… Powerless… Another Man’s Sac,” it has to be the Butthole Surfers
42) NATO or ASEAN
The rise of China and the increase of Russian meddling in European affairs makes this a particularly difficult question. Both nations have shown the willingness to seize territory; Russia- the Crimea and Ukraine, China- Tibet and Hong Kong. But if I had to choose one I would have to choose ASEAN because Europe already has a coherent economic and military alliance in the EU, whereas Japan, Korea, and The Philippines lack that coherence. Therefore, I would have to say NATO.
43) Fresh ground pepper?
No. Go away.
44) Why everyone should hate the Belgians
Not quite the Dutch. Not quite the French. Belgium is the entire world’s study in mediocrity. Brussel Sprouts. King Leopold II. Dr. Evil is from there. Haven’t started a decent war in centuries. Belgian waffles aren’t even Belgian.
45) Favorite movie with a dwarf
46) Celebrities my wife has been mistaken for
Ally Sheedy.
47) Tinkle: Sound or Liquid?
Liquid is way funnier.
48) What's the difference between a buffet and a Smörgåsbord?
Same thing. One is Swedish.
49) Dado, mortise, or dovetail
Mortise. Definitely Mortise. It reminds me of Morticia in the Addams family.
50) Would I be sexier as a Simpson's character?
2 Dimensions definitely has a slimming effect
51) BONUS ANSWER
The Northridge Earthquake of 1994

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