Oct 8, 2013

Coal’s Zombie Class 2013 – By Coal

Hi there. I’m Coal, the 10-year old black lab at Two Salty Dogs. Don calls me “The Geezer.” I’m the black lab at the shop who loves swimming, playing fetch, peanut butter treats, and affection. In fact, I like just about everything, everyone, and every dog I’ve ever met. The only thing I cannot stand is zombies. Filthy, stinking, rotten, brain-eating zombies! DOG……I hate them SO much!!!!!!!!!!!

Zombies try to hurt people, people! They try to get you and eat you! Are you people blind? Can’t you see? And you keep going about your daily lives, completely unconcerned that there’s a zombie behind the corner who would feast upon your BRAIN! And you need your brain to think about things! Things like what time my dinner is! Also it would REALLY help to have a brain to decide where we are going for walkies/swim in the morning! THANK YOU!

But you Sheeple keep pretending there are no such thing as zombies. It’s like you don’t care and you don’t protect yourself. It was around this time last year at the store we saw a SWARM of zombies and vampires and witches and ghouls and OTHER NASTY THINGS headed straight for the shop door! CAN YOU IMAGINE IT? (Editor’s note: It was last year’s Halloween Parade where all the kids dress up in costumes and Trick or Treat at the local businesses). Thankfully, Don and Liana are the smartest people I know, and they started giving the marching filth lots of treats so they would go next door and not eat their precious people brains. They also hired a gigantic white dog with black spots to keep the villains at bay (Editor’s note: He’s talking about Liana in that dog costume. It was a big hit!). We were so lucky to get out of that with our tails attached! But I don’t intend to be just lucky again. I intend to beat these ghouls.

So—Since you people are incapable of spotting a zombie unless it is gnawing on your own brain stem, I will help you because I like all LIVING creatures. I will be holding my famous “Zombie Class” on October 31st from 11am to 2pm. If you come into the shop and act like a realistic zombie, I will bark at you, and you will get a free bag of treats from Don and Liana. If you are some poseur, you will get nothing except your brain eaten later that evening by the swarm. Perhaps I will lick you or gaze into your eyes as a way of saying “Goodbye nice people. The zombies await your brain.” But if I don’t bark at you, and you don’t get those bag of treats…..you are zombie fodder.

I don’t mean to be mean. I want you people to LIVE and for you to get those treats. But I can only do so much. You have to help me. You have to FIGHT!

– I am Coal. I will protect you. IF you let me.

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