Break Away From Being “From Away” Volume I — By Auggie
Oct 16, 2014
My first name is Augustus. My middle name is Megatron. My Surname is Bulldozer. I am Auggie. You must yield to me. I will protect you.
Now, I’m a practical dog. I like my treats hearty, my walks long, and my breath stinky at all times. I have no time for pretension. And I must say that I love this time of year when things have slowed down. It gives a dog room to think about things.
And thinking about things I have! We love you tourists. The vast majority of you are respectful, funny, give a deserving dog a well-earned belly-rub. You are just overall pleasures to have on our peninsula. But there are those of you who rub my fur the wrong way. So I’m going to give you folks “from away” some tips to help your next visit to Boothbay go more smoothly.
- We are aware of the giant pet stores where you hail from. We are also aware that they carry ubiquitous things like “Greenies” and “Kongs.” But if you travel all the way to Boothbay Harbor looking for those things, and at a cheaper price, you need to stay at home and watch TV for stimulation. And that goes for things like Burger Kings, Olive Gardens, convenient parking spots, AT&T cellphone service, and coherent driving directions. They just don’t exist in the Boothbay region, people.
- There’s no doubt that the Boothbay Region is beautiful. But as locals, we need to be at certain places at certain times. We can’t sit behind your car on the Southport Bridge for an indefinite period of time as you marvel at the seagulls fighting over a rotting porcupine corpse. Nor can we wait whilst you search for the seagull in that vast cloud that most looks like Ed McMahon. You know you would be assaulted and your car burned for trying that in your home town. Why try it here? Just pull over and let us be on our way.
- We don’t care whether you are from Manhattan or Muncie. Please stop saying things like “Well, I’m from Manhattan, so I’m rather an expert on Italian food, and frankly the meatball sub from the ~Fill in Local Restaurant Here~ just didn’t live up to our expectations.” Let’s be clear. You can still be from Manhattan and have terrible taste in anything and everything including meatball subs. Predicating everything you say with where you are from makes you sound like a rube no matter where you’re from. Don tends to handle this attitude with a little wicked humor:
Woman in the store: “Well, we’re from Florida and the pet stores are a lot larger there.”
Don: “Florida? Is that the city where you can get your lunch pail all wrapped up in a package at the store and don’t have to shoot no squirrels the night afore for Granny to cook?”
Woman: ….. Mouth Open ……
Don: …. Looks Earnestly at Woman ….
Woman: Silently backs out of the store.
- Not everyone in Maine craves lobster as much as you do. Don’t act shocked when we tell you. We used to feed it to prisoners, for Dogs sake. Just ask anyone at Betts Fish Fry how they feel about lobster.
- We LOVE fireworks here! ALL the time! Morning, noon and night we never fail to have our hearts lightened by a drunken group or disturbed loner setting off hours and hours of fireworks! Please buy as many as you can and then shoot them off at random times! Especially the wee hours. WE LOVE IT!
The sad part of my sarcasm is that dog runaways as a result of fireworks are at an all-time high in this state. Many dogs are never recovered. Trust me. I hear the stories in the store. I personally could see allowing fireworks if they had a sanctioned time (One week before and after The Fourth of July and New Years Eve), but allowing any idiot over 18 to shoot off any and as many fireworks they want whenever they want is a BAD policy. In a rare display of solidarity, Don agrees with me on this. As of yet, I have received no treat to confirm Don’s said solidarity. Please apply pressure to him so that he may do the right thing.
- Stop trying to give us the right-of-way at the 4-way stop near the Boothbay Monument. We understand that you are on vacation and want to blend in with the locals by letting one or more of us through the intersection with a magnanimous wave of the hand. We don’t care. Go through the intersection when right-of-way dictates and save the hand wave for the boats and the photographs you will cherish for a lifetime.
- The winters ARE long and cold, but they are not insurmountable. And a good Maine winter has a lot of advantages. For example, the harsh winter means no venomous snakes or spiders are in this state. You can’t say that about Texas. Don likes to tell people that the State dismantles and puts the lighthouses and wharves in storage over the winter. If he’s feeling particularly mischievous, he’ll tell them that the State force-evacuates all the people from the coast over the winter because the last time they allowed people to live on the coast in the winter 1,000s of people died of starvation and frostbite in a Stalingrad-like frozen hell.
That’s it for now. I’ll write more on this subject when I feel good and Salty. Stay tuned! There’s a lot more material and not enough space on this paltry blog.
-Augustus “Auggie” Megatron Bulldozer