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Feb 29, 2024
Hi! I’m Marz! I work at Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters!!!! I’m a Customer Service Rep!! Customer service is a great job!! It’s the best!!! I get so many headrubs and bellyrubs and treats!!!! Auggie taught me to hang out at the free treat bowl!!! Bipeds hand out a lot of treats there!!! Especially if you act sad and hungry!!! Auggie says it’s because Bipeds feel guilty about all the plenty they routinely and arrogantly bathe themselves in!!! A Biped giving a treat to a “starving” or “begging” dog in the shop is like religious penance or absolution without any of the actual rigor!!!!! I don’t know what any of that means!!! But I get a ton of treats at the free treat bowl thanks to Auggie!!!
If the Biped in the shop is nice, I’ll bring them a tennis ball!!! If they get me a treat, I’ll bring them my favorite toy – The Yeti!!!! The Yeti is the Best Toy EVER!!!! You should get one!!! They’re very fuzzy and they have a very bad overbite!!! The Yeti looks very mean so you don’t feel bad about biting him and ripping up his big belly!!!!! The Yeti’s belly and overbite looks just like Don’s!!!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!
Anyway, I can tell every single Biped is impressed with my Yeti, so I’ll run around the shop with it!!! They want to take it away from me so bad!! But it’s mine!!! And it’s in my super tough jaws!!! And I’m the fastest dog ever!!! I’m so fast that Bipeds can’t catch me!!!!! Even if they could catch me, I could still tug The Yeti right out of their hands!!! I’m very good at Keepaway and Tug!!! All the Bipeds are so jealous!!!!!! I run everywhere with The Yeti in my mouth!!!! I love swinging it back and forth!!!!!!! I like to show the Bipeds whose boss!!! I like to show The Yeti who’s boss!!! I’M THE BOSS, GUYS!!!! HAHAHA!!!!!
Being the best customer service rep at Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters is a very hard job!!!! I’m very busy all the time!!!! I only get about 18 hours of sleep a day!!!! Auggie gets way more!!! And he’s a grump when he wakes up!!! Auggie is old AND a customer service rep!!!! That’s got to be hard!!! Sometimes Don puts him in the truck because he’s cranky to the customers and other dogs!!! No wonder Auggie’s crabby all the time!!!!! He’s under a LOT of pressure!!! He’s pretty deaf and he can’t see very well anymore!!! If you come near him quickly, Auggie will be scared and try to bite!!!! Sometimes he bites you if you lick his skull for over 10 minutes (Editor’s Note: Auggie bites, not Don)
But I’m the BEST customer service rep at Two Salty Dogs and I’m not old!!! I have a lot of energy!!! I still have the energy to show The Customers and The Yeti who’s boss!!!!
This winter I pooped in the ocean at Hendricks Head Beach!!! The water was really cold!! It made my insides feel funny and then I pooped without even trying to!!! Don didn’t even get angry at me!! In fact, he laughed very hard!! He usually yells at me when I poop just about anywhere!!! Don is crazy sometimes!!!! Most times!!!!! In fact, he’s Mainely Crazy!!!! BWAHAHAHAH!!!!!! Did you get it?! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! That was a funny joke!!!! I can make those jokes all day long!!!!
Auggie said I was really scared when I saw my poop in the ocean!!! Hahahaha!!! Maybe I was!!! I didn’t even know I pooped!!!! I saw my poop in the ocean and ran out to the beach as fast as I could!!! I thought it was someone else’s poop!!! That would be gross!!!!!
Wait!! Maybe pooping in the car will be funny!!!! That’s a place I’ve never pooped! It’s pretty funny too!! Or in the store!!!! Wait!!! No! That would drive Don CRAZY!!!! Like in “Seventeen Messes in May” by Coal!!!! That was such a funny story!!! I don’t even know Coal but he wrote a very funny story about all the dogs throwing up and pooping when they moved back in to the Southport Cabin one year!!!!
But that’s no way for The Best Customer Service Representative at Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters to act!!! The customers wouldn’t like poop in the store!!! It’s pretty stinky!! And it would get pretty stinky in Don or Liana’s car!!! So the store and the cars are definitely No-Poop-Zones!!!!! I’m OK with that!!!
Auggie poops near the Chinese Maple by the Coal Shack all the time in the winter!!!! Don and Liana don’t pay attention!!!!!! There’s a whole bunch of Auggie’s poop back there!!!!! It’s going to smell really stinky in the Spring when it gets warm!!! Don will be so mad!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!! But I won’t tell on Auggie!!!! He’s my best friend!!!!
No, wait…. A lake!!!!! I’ll poop in a lake or a river!!! That’s funny!!!! The next time Don brings us to a lake or a river I’ll poop in it!!!! I hope it makes him laugh!!!!! Don is very funny when he laughs!!!
Auggie said he wrote everything that ever needed saying about dog poop in his Harbor Dog Story “Poop Rules.” But that story isn’t very funny, Auggie!!! There’s nothing about pooping in an ocean or a lake!!! And the title, “Poop Rules” doesn’t mean Auggie loves pooping. It means all the rules for Dogs about pooping!!!! It’s very boring to the younger generation, Auggie!!!!!
Oh, Auggie!! Admit it!! Everyone knows you’re a shy pooper!! He usually goes into the bushes or woods!! He never poops on the lawn or the sidewalk!! Or even trails!!! He runs into the woods to unload and Don loves it!!!! That’s because Don is a very lazy Biped and doesn’t want to pick up dog poop!!! That’s why Don poops in the bowl with the water in it on the second floor!!!! When he’s done, there’s a loud noise and the poop is gone and I can drink out of the bowl again!!!
I LOVE making Don pick up my poops!!!! Sometimes I’ll poop two or three times even if I don’t have to!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! Auggie says they called Buddy “Two Poops Galoot” because he always pooped twice!!!! Bahahahahaha!!! Maybe I’ll be Fudgie Three Poops Galoot!!!
That’s a funny rock & roll band name!!!!!!!
Auggie is not just my friend!! He’s my best friend!!!!! One time he got into the garbage when Don and Liana were asleep!! It was after they went out to dinner at The Carriage House!!! The containers in the garbage smelled so scrumptious!!! They had some French fries and other tasty things!!! The best part was that Auggie took the containers out of the garbage and shared them with me!!!! That was awesome!!!! It tasted really good!!! Both containers had French fries and catsup!! One had a bunch of hamburger juice soaked into the container that was hard for Auggie to lick, so he just nibbled it out!!! He ate that part of the carton!!!! Auggie is so smart!!!!
That’s why Auggie is my best friend!!! He got in the garbage and brought out Heaven to share!!! He could have just eaten all the garbage by himself, but he shared it with his best buddy!!!! Me!! I love Auggie so much!!
Auggie left me lots of lettuce and pickles!!! But lettuce is gross!! It was like trying to eat a dishrag!!! At least a real dishrag tastes good!!! I licked all the catsup and hamburger juice off the lettuce and left it on the floor instead!!! I like catsup and hamburger!!! The pickles were terrible!!! I hate pickles!!! There wasn’t even any catsup on them!!!!!! But there was a lot of other stuff in the garbage!!!! But you had to be careful!!! The coffee grinds made me throw up!!! But the cheese packages were awesome!!!! There was still a lot of cheese in them, but it was green and stinky!!! Hahaha!! Green Cheese!!!!! Maybe it was a Moon sample!!!!! The Moon must taste so good!!!
In the morning, I was asleep in the kitchen and Don was very angry with me and yelled at me!!! This was the worst time Don ever yelled at me!!! I was so sad.
He didn’t yell at Auggie, though!!!! Don thought I was the naughty dog who got in the garbage!!!!! But I wasn’t!!!! I don’t even know how to get in the garbage!!! Liana was mad at me too!!! I was very sad. I don’t want to be a naughty dog.
Even Auggie looked at me like I was a very bad dog that day!!!
When I was young, I thought Auggie lived in the mirror!!! That was pretty dumb!! I know that now because Auggie kept telling me how dumb it was!!!! Hahaha!!! Nodog could live in a mirror!! They couldn’t get to their food bowl!!! I’m so much older and smarter now!!!
I’ve been fetching since I was a young pup!!! No one had to teach me!!! Fetching is the BEST!!! Click on the video!!!! You can see me fetch when I was just a pup!!!!!!
Did you know that Auggie was one of the best fetch dogs in Dog history!!!!!! In the whole wide world!!! He was “The Supreme Fetch Dog Throughout All the Land” for a super-long time!!! He was famous!!!! AND he taught me to fetch!!! Auggie is a GREAT fetching teacher!!! I love him so much!!!!
He taught me to keep my eye on the ball and not be afraid of the water!!!! If I didn’t keep my eye on the ball and lost it, Auggie made me run around in circles with my nose down!!! I thought he was kidding!! Sometimes Auggie jokes around but he doesn’t laugh!!! Then he told me it was so I could cover a lot of area and sniff the ball out!!!! That’s very smart!! Auggie also taught me to look at Don when I lost the ball!!!!! If Don knew where the ball was, he’d point at it with his arm!!!!!! I can’t believe it took me two years to realize Don was pointing at the ball!!! I thought he was having a stroke!!! But Auggie was serious!!! That’s what best buddies do!!!! They help each other with things!!!
Auggie doesn’t fetch a lot now!!! He’s very old and he is very slow!!! Sometimes he swim-fetches!!! He says his legs were hurt in an assassination attempt!!! I can see why someone would want to assassinate Auggie!!!! He’s a smart and powerful Dog!!!! Thank Dogness he is on the side of good!!! Otherwise, we’d have a huge mess on our hands!!!!
He can find any lost ball like nothing!!! Sometimes Liana or Don will call in Auggie to find a ball I lost and Auggie finds it just like that!! I think Auggie likes watching me fetch!!! Maybe he thinks I could be the next Supreme Fetch Dog Throughout All the Land!!! I hope so!!! I hope I don’t let him down!!!! Auggie is my best friend!!!
Liana is my favorite Biped!!! Even more favorite than Don or Wayne the delivery guy!!! She’s much nicer than Don and Wayne and she yells a lot less!!! She also washes out our ears and cleans all the gunk from our eyes after we get up in the morning!!! Sometimes she’ll give us a shampoo out back!!! I hate getting shampoos!!! They make me smell like a breath mint!!!! Other dogs will think I’m a wuss!!!! But I’m not!!!! I’m a very tough dog like Auggie!!
Liana’s very nice but she’s on the couch a lot!!! Sometimes she’ll be there for hours and hours watching TV or on her computer!!! Sometimes she’ll fall asleep!!!! That’s not any fun, Liana!!! Max and Auggie used to have a big game of Bitey Face and steal her pillow to get her up!!!!! Max was Auggie’s best friend!!!! Now I’m Auggie’s best friend!!!! I feel like I should steal her pillow!!! That will get her up!!!
I’ve had a lot of success jumping up on the couch and pinning Liana down, too!! That way, I can lick the skin right off her face!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!! Liana sleeps on the couch when Don is in the bedroom and snoring very loudly!!! Sometimes Don sounds like a machine gun!!! Sometimes he sounds like an underground beast!!! Machine guns and beasts are awesome!!! But they are very hard to sleep next to!!!
On the couch, I lick Liana’s head until it’s all slobbery!! Then Auggie breathes right in her ear and rubs his cold wet nose all over her neck!!!! Most times, she’ll jump right up and start doing normal stuff like giving us breakfast and taking us outside!!! But sometimes Liana is upset and runs to the bed in the bedroom!!!! Sometimes Liana will be so upset she’ll close the bedroom door on us!! We’re her best buddies!!! Can you believe she would lock us out?!?! Don never locks us out!!!!!
Other times she won’t get out of bed in the morning and get our breakfasts for a very long time!!!! Sometimes it will even be light outside and Auggie and I won’t have any breakfasts!!!! Sometimes it will be light out for a long time!!! And Liana will just lie in bed like dead fish or something!!!! After all we do for her every day, she’ll just lie there when we could have had 20 breakfasts and 10 walkies!!!!!! It’s not a fun situation to be in!!
So all the us dogs will run into the bedroom and play Bitey-Face!!! That usually gets her up!!!
Then it’s Breakfast time!!!
Auggie taught me a lot!! One of the most important things Auggie taught me was to eat my dinner as fast as possible!!!! Otherwise Auggie gulps his own dinner down and chases me away from my dinner!!!! Then he’d eat MY dinner and and I’d be hungry until breakfast!!!! That’s why I also eat my breakfast and any treats as fast as I can!!! Sometimes I’ll bring them upstairs where Auggie can’t get them!!!!
Auggie also lets me lick his face!! Sometimes I lick it too long and he bites me!! That’s good to know!! Most dogs will just let you lick and lick their faces!!!! Then, when they don’t like you licking them anymore, they walk away!!! But not Auggie!!! He bites you!!! It’s very good feedback!!
Anyway, I hope all you Bipeds out there have a very best friend, too!!! They’re super important!!! I would share Auggie with you, but he’s very old and tired!!!! Maybe you could come visit us!!!! We’re in Maine!!!
I’ll let you try The Yeti!!!!!! That’s super-fun!!! And I have another toy called the Whiskey Bottle that has a lot of promise!!!!
— Marzipan, Fin Tim Limb Bin, Bus Stop F*tang F*tang Olay Biscuit Barrel Kingsbury!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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