Fall Down, Clean-Up — By Auggie

Sep 9, 2014

I am Augustus Megatron Bulldozer. You may know me as “Auggie” or “Aug Dog.” I am the anchor for this whole train wreck of a store. Thank you for supporting my reform efforts.

As you may know, the coast of Maine is much more relaxed now that all you tourists are safely home and at school or work. We thank you for that. Come back next year when we’ve had a chance to clean up.

We are still digging out from all the detritus that two solid months of vacation-goers will leave behind at a modest Maine Seaside Cottage. And we understand the vacation-goers’ decision to leave it here rather than fill out all the tax forms to re-import it into their state of origin. But to give all you Thumb-Users an idea of what we’re grappling with here in Southport, I have compiled this list of things left at our cottage for your utter amazement:

  • 6 massive, open, & barely used jugs of ketchup.
  • 15 mustards ranging in price from $1.29/half gallon to $7.99/tablespoon.
  • 3 squeezable relishes, 2 of which haven’t been opened yet. The open one has an expiration date of 4-17-17 but smells foreboding.
  • 19.7 lbs of cheese in individual baggies with no labels or indication of origin. This makes it impossible to know whether the mold is supposed to be there.
  • 1,000’s of blueberry products like jams, jellies, pancake batter, mustards, frozen berries, colognes, rocket fuel additives, and Hot Pockets. Interestingly, not one lobster product is left in the fridge.
  • 0.75 tons of hot dog and hamburger buns in varied states of crumbling and moldy decomposition.
  • A surprising number of opened boxes of humidity-ravaged crackers. Some brands in our cupboards have 4 opened boxes. All have the consistency of moist cardboard.
  • 3.6 cubic miles of reading material that includes the “New York Times” and the “Boston Globe” that guests thought would improve our primitive habits, or that we could “use for kindling” this winter. Ironically, of the 3.6 tons of reading material, there are 1.9 tons of “Star” magazines supplied by those same guests who could not afford to be seen in civilization “with that junk”.
  • A disheartening number of cheap, plastic products with lobsters on them that our guests thought we would find cute.
  • 4,317 boxes of unopened Graham Crackers without the accompanying chocolate or marshmallows.

You would think the Food Providers BY THEIR VERY NAME would distribute this bounty to well-behaved and productive dogs in the family. But no. I am still forced to supplement my meagre and shockingly-deficient Food-Provider diet with rotten blackberries and begging at the free treat bowl. I am a “GOOD DOG” and I shan’t release control of my dignity without a fight.

I Remain,


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *