Jun 1, 2018
Have you ever been from away and wanted to correct the Boothbay Region’s primitive ways or vindicate grievances you have suffered at the hands of the region’s ignorant peasantry?
It can be incredibly hard to drill your point into the thick local skulls when you have suffered so much. You also need to get the common rabble on your side whilst enthralling the landed gentry back home with your knowledge of intricate native customs. Follow our letter-writing examples below and you’ll have our little region firing on all cylinders as quickly as Paul Coulombe buys up property.
Dear Boothbay Region Land Trust,
We have been living in the Boothbay Area for the last 5 years, and so we were shocked when we went to one of the Land Trust trails named Ovens Porter Penny Preserve Trails and were victims to the plethora of fallen leaves and pine cones from last year.
This is so unlike the magnificent trails in Kennebunkport, where one can enjoy nature without fear of slipping on harmful bacteria-laden leaves. Our 2 year old daughter almost slipped on a pine cone and shattered her skull on exposed rock below! Thankfully, we were lucky that day.
Decaying leaves and pine needles are not only biohazards, but according to Alarmist.com a major source of greenhouse gas emissions. Please clean your wonderful trails, Boothbay Region Land Trust. Perhaps our seniors and disabled military veterans could then enjoy them to the fullest.
Lucius B. Skintag III, Esq, PhD, DDS
376 Gated Community Drive
Smudgepot CT, 6060842
EXAMPLE #2 Courtesy of Sarah Devlin
I want to openly commend my good friend Todd Pelletier. If you need some handy work done on your property, he’s the one! Mind you, we don’t consider him just a handyman. No sir! We’ve been living here for 20 years and he is a great friend. He opens up our house for us in the spring, mows the lawn, and stores our boat, and we invite him over for dinner at least twice a season because he and his wife are just lovely, and so surprisingly smart! I want to be certain the other locals are aware of his talents. Please support him in the winter months if you can.
The Jughead Family
Ocean Point and Punchface, Massachusetts
We love your quaint little seaside town and we try to get here as often as we can. But being from New York City means that it’s quite a journey! And being from New York City, with the best restaurants in the world, we know quite a bit about lobster rolls. So it is with a heavy heart that we have to give Bets Fish Fry a 1-Star rating on Tripadvisor.com.
We waited in line for 45 minutes. When we finally got to the window and ordered a lobster roll, we were rudely told that there were no lobster rolls, and would we like to order something from the fish-related menu?
There is a 20ft lobster on the side of the building. How can Boothbay Harbor allow Bets Fish Fry to advertise lobster rolls while only offering fish? Perhaps your town elders think it is amusing when visitors to Boothbay Harbor have their dignity crushed and their time wasted, but we do not. And you can be sure that everyone we know in New York City will hear of this.
Lester W. and Cheryl K. Slipshod
Staten Island, NY
Dear Mr. Maximus Gary
My wife and I recently visited your Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters store in Boothbay Maine. We found your shop there tidy and well-stocked with unique items and a wide range of quality products like all your other stores. We were therefore disappointed by the extremely offensive clerk.
He had three beautiful black Labs in your shop. When we asked what their names were, he said “I forget” which sent red flags flying for us. He then laughed quickly said, “There’s Fatso, Geezer, and Dopey.” Anyone who would name their dogs those names must be a psychopath.
But what finally got us to literally run out of your store was when we asked him why his dogs didn’t take treats or toys from the bins. He said, and I quote, “Because they’d be severely beaten.” We were shocked and disgusted.
We understand that good help is hard to find, but we suggest you review your hiring procedures. That man behind the counter should not be allowed to own animals, never mind work in a pet store of your caliber.
Mr. & Mrs. Angus P. Cankersore
North Abcess, MD
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Angus P. Cankersore,
From the entire Two Salty Dog Pet Outfitter Family, we apologize. We deeply and sincerely regret any discomfort or mental anguish you have suffered at the hands of one of our employees. You should know that we have tightened our hiring practices significantly and we now subject our employees to random drug testing.
We would also like you to know that the offending employee was not only immediately fired, but samples of his DNA were sent to the FBI crime lab in Quantico, VA to run against several serial killer profiles. We will continue to hound him for the rest of his days. For example, next week we will burn his house to the ground and sell all his personal information to identity thieves.
You may consider this harsh. But we strongly suspect him of giving treats from the free treat bowl to his own dogs.
In closing, all of us at Two Salty Dogs would like to thank you for alerting us to this situation. Please accept the enclosed expired coupon for 30% off Joy dish washing detergent at an IGA in Blowhole, Utah as a token of our humble gratitude.
If there is anything else I can do for you in this matter, please call me on my direct line 907-867-5309 and ask for Jenny.
Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters
Executive Vice President of Worldwide Operations
Angry Customer/Ex-Employee Retribution Division
3500 Miniluv Ave. Room 101
Lickspittle, CA 05638