Love Letters to the Edge – by Don

Jun 1, 2018

Have you ever been from away and wanted to correct the Boothbay Region’s primitive ways or vindicate grievances you have suffered at the hands of the region’s ignorant peasantry?

It can be incredibly hard to drill your point into the thick local skulls when you have suffered so much. You also need to get the common rabble on your side whilst enthralling the landed gentry back home with your knowledge of intricate native customs. Follow our letter-writing examples below and you’ll have our little region firing on all cylinders as quickly as Paul Coulombe buys up property.

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EXAMPLE #1

Dear Boothbay Region Land Trust,

We have been living[1] in the Boothbay Area for the last 5 years[2], and so we were shocked when we went to one of the Land Trust trails named Ovens Porter Penny Preserve Trails[3] and were victims to the plethora[4] of fallen leaves and pine cones from last year.

This is so unlike the magnificent trails in Kennebunkport[5], where one can enjoy nature without fear of slipping on harmful bacteria-laden leaves. Our 2 year old daughter almost slipped on a pine cone and shattered her skull on exposed rock below[6]! Thankfully, we were lucky that day[7].

Decaying leaves and pine needles are not only biohazards, but according to Alarmist.com[8] a major source of greenhouse gas emissions[9]. Please clean your wonderful trails, Boothbay Region Land Trust. Perhaps our seniors and disabled military veterans[10] could then enjoy them to the fullest.

Respectfully,

Lucius B. Skintag III, Esq, PhD, DDS[11]
376 Gated Community Drive
Smudgepot CT, 6060842

[1] Visiting.
[2] For the first time ever.
[3] Make sure your facts are correct. Failing that, just include everything you peripherally know into one “fact.”
[4] Use that 800 verbal SAT score to maximum effect.
[5] Comparing Boothbay Harbor to more famous Maine coastal towns is guaranteed to strike fear into the heart of the average Boothbay region resident. Never mind that Kennebunkport has no appreciable trails.
[6] If you’re against children, what could you possibly be for?
[7] Always end with a positive.
[8] Quote fringe pop-up and die websites.
[9] Cast the net as wide as you can.
[10] Cast that net ever wider.
[11] Titles are impressive. Use all you can.

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EXAMPLE #2 Courtesy of Sarah Devlin

Dear Editor,

I want to openly commend my good friend Todd Pelletier. If you need some handy work done on your property, he’s the one! Mind you, we don’t consider him just a handyman[1]. No sir! We’ve been living[2] here for 20 years[3] and he is a great friend. He opens up our house for us in the spring, mows the lawn, and stores our boat, and we invite him over for dinner at least twice a season because he and his wife are just lovely, and so surprisingly smart[4]! I want to be certain the other locals are aware of his talents[5]. Please support him in the winter months if you can[6].

The Jughead Family
Ocean Point and Punchface, Massachusetts

[1] He owns a contracting business.
[2] Visiting.
[3] 2 Years.
[4] For someone who grew up here.
[5] He owns a contracting business.
[6] Everyone knows the Pelletier family.

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EXAMPLE #3

Dear Editor,

We love your quaint little seaside town and we try to get here as often as we can. But being from New York City means that it’s quite a journey[1]! And being from New York City, with the best restaurants in the world, we know quite a bit about lobster rolls[2]. So it is with a heavy heart that we have to give Bets Fish Fry a 1-Star rating on Tripadvisor.com[3].

We waited in line for 45 minutes[4]. When we finally got to the window and ordered a lobster roll, we were rudely told that there were no lobster rolls, and would we like to order something from the fish-related menu[5]?

There is a 20ft lobster on the side of the building[6]. How can Boothbay Harbor[7] allow Bets Fish Fry[8] to advertise lobster rolls while only offering fish? Perhaps your town elders[9] think it is amusing when visitors to Boothbay Harbor[10] have their dignity crushed[11] and their time wasted, but we do not. And you can be sure that everyone we know in New York City will hear of this[12].

Lester W. and Cheryl K. Slipshod
Staten Island, NY[13]

[1] Translation: “This is the first time we’ve left New York City for the last 10 years except for a couple weekends in the Hamptons.
[2] Don’t let ridiculous assertions stop you from being assertive.
[3] A one-star rating should be reserved for people being punched by the wait staff or sent to the hospital by rancid food.
[4] 5-10 minutes.
[5] Fresh caught and prepared every day. Absolutely delicious and huge portions. The best deal in the Boothbay Region if you ask me.
[6] With a corresponding 20ft red circle and banned sign through it.
[7] Boothbay.
[8] By now you’re noticing no “lobster” and a lot of “fish” in the business name. Don’t let that stop you. You’re almost done with your letter!
[9] They’re only town elders when they’re not tending goats or conducting sacrifices to our gods.
[10] Boothbay.
[11] Plenty more dignity where that came from.
[12] Implication? All 8.5 million people.
[13] Barely New York City.
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EXAMPLE #4

Dear Mr. Maximus Gary[1]

My wife and I recently visited your Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters store in Boothbay Maine[2]. We found your shop there tidy and well-stocked with unique items and a wide range of quality products like all your other stores[3]. We were therefore disappointed by the extremely offensive clerk[4].

He had three beautiful black Labs in your shop[5]. When we asked what their names were, he said “I forget” which sent red flags flying for us[6]. He then laughed quickly said, “There’s Fatso[7], Geezer[8], and Dopey[9].” Anyone who would name their dogs those names must be a psychopath[10].

But what finally got us to literally run[11] out of your store was when we asked him why his dogs didn’t take treats or toys from the bins. He said, and I quote, “Because they’d be severely beaten.” We were shocked and disgusted[12].

We understand that good help is hard to find, but we suggest you review your hiring procedures. That man behind the counter should not be allowed to own animals, never mind work in a pet store of your caliber[13].

Sincerely,

Mr. & Mrs. Angus P. Cankersore
North Abcess, MD

[1] I give Max’s name and email address as a point of contact on multiple social media sites and the Two Salty Dogs website. He’s gotten several credit card offers. The sucker ones.
[2] Boothbay Harbor.
[3] Translation: “We shop at all of your nonexistent stores all the time.”
[4] Usually it’s my smell that’s offensive.
[5] You’ve addressed your letter to one of them.
[6] I admit it. It’s not a funny joke.
[7] Auggie
[8] Max
[9] Buddy
[10] Sarcastic
[11] It was more a slow meandering dawdle towards to door.
[12] Any small business owner would announce that they routinely beat their dogs to a shop full of total strangers. Especially since they look and act like they’re routinely beaten and starved.
[13] I agree.
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BONUS TRACK

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Angus P. Cankersore,

From the entire Two Salty Dog Pet Outfitter Family, we apologize. We deeply and sincerely regret any discomfort or mental anguish you have suffered at the hands of one of our employees. You should know that we have tightened our hiring practices significantly and we now subject our employees to random drug testing.

We would also like you to know that the offending employee was not only immediately fired, but samples of his DNA were sent to the FBI crime lab in Quantico, VA to run against several serial killer profiles. We will continue to hound him for the rest of his days. For example, next week we will burn his house to the ground and sell all his personal information to identity thieves.

You may consider this harsh. But we strongly suspect him of giving treats from the free treat bowl to his own dogs.

In closing, all of us at Two Salty Dogs would like to thank you for alerting us to this situation. Please accept the enclosed expired coupon for 30% off Joy dish washing detergent at an IGA in Blowhole, Utah as a token of our humble gratitude.

If there is anything else I can do for you in this matter, please call me on my direct line 907-867-5309 and ask for Jenny.

Sincerely,

_________________________
Maximus Gary

Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters
Executive Vice President of Worldwide Operations
Angry Customer/Ex-Employee Retribution Division
3500 Miniluv Ave. Room 101
Lickspittle, CA 05638

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