Jul 23, 2014
I am Augustus Megatron Bulldozer. Most of you respectfully call me Auggie, Aug, or Aug Dog. Don calls me Hog Dog or Seagull (Editor’s Note: Because if he had wings he’d fly to all the restaurants and fight the seagulls for the french fries in the parking lot). He shan’t have that sense of humor for long. I shall see to that. I have already enacted a clever plan to hide or destroy all his underwear by August 3rd. If you know nothing about me I will tell you this: You do not have to like me, but you should fear me. I will not stand for insolence or a flippant attitude.
Apparently, all you Car-Drivers were invited to my birthday party on July 5th. Only about 12 of you showed up. I am not complaining, mind you. If more of you had shown up I would have had to share my precious birthday cake with some delicate waif from Sudbury who couldn’t possibly eat it now, but could we wrap it up for the trip home? Pish Posh, you fools! YOU EAT THE CAKE AT THE PARTY OR YOU GET NO CAKE! How pathetic can you be?
Regardless….There are more important matters afoot. The Mutt Scrub will be this week! I can’t believe I’ve let my side of the blog slide that long!
The Mutt Scrub is an event the Car-Drivers put on every year to raise money for the Lincoln County Animal Shelter. And when I say “every year” I mean that they did it last year and they’re doing it again this year. They raised over $1,000 last year, and this year they hope to quadruplicate that. SNORT! Bwahahahahahah!!!! They can’t even spell quadruplicate! But I can! My name is Auggie! Is that food you’re holding? Can I have some?
The entire collection of money that results from said “Mutt Scrub” will go to the Lincoln County Animal Shelter. You have my word on that! Should the Food-Providers deviate from this in the slightest I will “correct” them. And they fear my corrections all right (Editor’s Note: Nope).
And how, exactly, shall I describe the Mutt Scrub?
Let me start by describing the Mutt Scrub as having a festive atmosphere. Most enjoyable, in fact. There are treats everywhere. Also toys, if that’s your thing. Crust, will be selling pizza from their mobile oven for lunch. And let’s make sure to drop a couple bits of crust for the enterprising dog, shall we? There are also volunteers who will wash your dog with Bangor Maine’s own Mutt Nose Best shampoos or trim your dog’s nails for a donation to the shelter.
And then there are the brutal competitions. A word of warning — if you enter “Doggie Musical Chairs” you will not come out the same dog. Such is the soul-crushing experience of being the last dog to sit when the music stops. Believe me. I know. And the Canine Talent Show can be a gruelling expedition into the Heart of Dog Darkness. (Editor’s Note: Auggie just has sour grapes because he didn’t win anything last year.
And I must concede that the Bipeds have come up with some pretty enticing raffle prizes this year. There are SOOOO many gift certificates to great Boothbay Harbor restaurants! And others have donated some great items! The Tyrants won’t raffle off 500lbs of dog food, or anything good. Just some lousy gift certificates (Editor’s Note: Auggie doesn’t know that he could buy food with a gift certificate). I tried to convince them to offer a simple prize in the 3 day old french fries jammed into the wooden decking down at the wharf, but I was shouted at and made to go lie down (Editor’s Note: He just barked at a rustling tree at 3am). The indignity of it all.
All the raffle tickets only cost a dollar (That is $1 for all you miscreants out there). And for that paltry $1 bill my Overlords are telling me that you could win:
A fantastic Sailboat bracelet from A Silver Lining Jewelry.
A beautiful canvas tote with a nautical map of the Boothbay Region from Sweet Bay.
Four Passes to The Boothbay Railway Village.
A $50 Gift Certificate to The Lobster Dock.
A $50 Gift Certificate to Untangled Salon.
A $75 Gift Certificate to McSeagulls Restaurant.
A $75 G1ft Certificate to Robinson’s Wharf Restaurant.
A $100 Gift Certificate to The Boathouse Bistro and Tapas Bar.
And Ports of Italy has donated a $25 gift certificate for the winner of the Canine Talent Show! And there will also be other prizes throughout the day with more things being added all the time like home-made soaps and gift baskets. We even had someone donate an inflatable stairway so your dog can climb back onto your wharf or boat. How cool is that? You’ll just have to come over and see what we have.
With all the fun and games, let’s not forget the real reason why the Ball Throwers are staging this event. It’s for the animals. It’s for the animals that won’t get to compete in Musical Chairs, or the Canine Talent Show, or go to the beach, or forage for tasty bits on the Mutt Scrub lawn. It’s for the animals who don’t have homes and a Ball Thrower to snuggle up to at night. Maybe on July 26th we can make a difference for the animals we had to leave behind at the Shelter.
Augustus Megatron Bulldozer