SKIBIDI – by Zinny

Apr 28, 2025

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I’m Zinnia. Mmmm… Hmmmm…

Like I’m only writing this because Liana said I had to. Don’t come at me if there’s lots of typos. I hate skool. Skool is for Spastic Nerfdogs.

I’m Zinnia, the new dog at Chez Salty, mmm-hmmm. I’m the ONLY girl dog, AND I’m the ONLY yellow dog. That’s a W. I know. WTF is going on? Bruhs keep staring at me like I’m some kinda sigma. Yeh! Easy, bruhs. You’ve been neutered longer than I’ve been alive.

Babies are my Roman Empire. mmmm… hmmmm…. Now THAT’S a gas job. Not squeaky toys, or fetching, or walks on the athletic fields, or belly-rubs in front of the fireplace, or any delulu spit like that. Being a mother is the most important job in the world. And NGL I’ve been a mother to dozens and dozens of babies.

The first time I met that Chockie, I thought he was trying to mount me so I bit him in the face. No thank you, monchichi, no thank you. I’m not a bop. Mmmm… Hmmmm… Then I almost bit that fat, old, black one when he said I looked like I ate my own young. I’m pressed.

I think the Bipeds are just salty. I’m way tougher than any one of their Chez Salty boi dogs. mmm… hmmm…. The vibe is giving wimpo. Like, I don’t even know their names. They’re so beta! That’s how lame they are! I’ve lived my whole life in The Dirty Lew, no cap. I’m not impressed with fetching or parlor trick flexes. Nope. mmmm… hmmmm…

Rudder is going to Horn Cove beach tonight. mmmm… hmmm… He’s high key like my sexy dream boi! And I bet he doesn’t care about spelling. And he’s bussin Italiano! It’s a language between Latin Vulgate and Italian. That’s a green flag fr. And I need to get to the beach before that slut Lucy pulls him. I’m the rizzler around here and she knows it.

I grown, sweat…

I grown. Periodt.

Mmm… Hmmm…

Look, I don’t want to put these dogs on blast, but that fat, old beta blackie had better watch his step. He seems good at only three things; stuffing his face, begging for more things to stuff in his face, and dragging. Bruh needs to touch grass.

The young Chockie is even worse. Sweat thinks of only two things; fetching, and squeaking his gnarly pizza toy. That’s it. Delulu pizza for one, Chockie. Tho your looks be slaying. mmm… hmm…

And don’t call me grumpy. Feels like knee surgery. That big, fat man calls me grumpy. I’m not grumpy. Yes. I’m vocal. Yes, I growl when the fat man asks if I want to go Walkies. I’m just playin’. How else am I going to get that big fat man to leave me alone or go on Walkies? Bite him?

Another trick is to wag my tail when he looks at me. Bruh thinks he’s special. And when I tilt my head at him when he says something, they’re cooked. It’s extra but Fat Man know’s I’m a baddie.

Left on Read, Go Off

There’s not much, but lowkey one thing I do like about Chez Salty is rubbing my back on the grass. Good Boi Ollie calls it, “The Wormy Worms.” I never got to do The Wormy Worms in Lewiston much because there’s always a broken bottle or discarded needle on the ground. And getting worms is definitely Ohio. But highkey doing a little of the upside-down, worm-wiggle on a nice lawn, snowbank, or long grass hits different. You should try it, trust!

Another thing I like at Chez Salty is Liana. She’s another girlie pop! I’m pretty sure she’d never eat one of her own puppies. She rubs my belly and back. She gets all the shed off me. And I’m pretty sure she’d get why I’m pressed at these beta boy dogs! She’s got queen energy.

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ONE DAY LATER…..

OMG! WTF! SWERVE MY ROOM LIANA!!!! READ THE CONSTITUTION!!! I HAVE A LITTLE THING CALLED PRIVACY!! I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH MY STUFF!!! I MAY BE ADOPTED, BUT IT’S MY STUFF!! STOP GOING THROUGH MY STUFF!!!! DAWG!!!! THERE ARE NO DRUGS OR DICKS IN HERE SWEAT!!! YOU HAVE A FILTHY FOGGY BOTTOM!!! LIKE THOSE RUDE BOIS AT THE BEACH…!!! I’M GONNA HAVE A MENTY B!!

— ZINNIA ZINNY ZIN ZINDOG

(Editor’s Note: Are you a confused Gen-X, Boomer or worse? Use www.weareteachers.com/teen-slang/ or go talk to your kids.