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May 31, 2025
Don is my very best friend!! He talks to me all the time!! If I had one wish from the Great Black Dog, it would be that we could understand each other all the time!!! I think he talks about some interesting stuff!!
Don: “These tariffs are going to make our Toy Wall unaffordable. No one is going to pay $70 for a dog toy that gets ripped up in a day.”
Fudgie: “I will pay that much Don! I LIKE stuffed dog toys!!”
Don: “And the volatility of the stock market sure is unsettling…”
Fudgie: “Is the ‘stock market’ like my tummy when I ate that dead crab on the hot pavement that day?!?!”
Don: “Why are you drooling, Fudgie?”
Fudgie: “…dead crabs!”
Don: “Also – I wish I did more traveling when I was young.”
Fudgie: “Traveling? Like down to Horn Cove Beach?!?! Or Hendricks Head Beach?!?!”
Don: “Seriously. Why are you drooling so much?”
Fudgie: “Is it dinner time!?! I really like dinners and breakfasts and medicines, and treats, and snacks, and cookies, and dog bones, and floor pie, and bits from Biped meals, and food caught between the stove and the cabinet…!!!”
Don: “FUDGIE!!!!!! DOWN!!! NO JUMPIES!!!”
Fudgie: “Sorry!! I forgot!!!! I love you Don!!! Do you love me!?!?!
< YES > < NO > < MAYBE >
Don: “KNOCK IT OFF!!!!”
Fudgie: “I LOVE YOU!!!!”
Don: “Man, your breath smells awful! Have you been eating seaweed again?”
Fudgie: “There are spies everywhere, Don!!!! No dog is safe!!!!!”
Don: “DOWN, DAMMIT!!”
Fudgie: “Why do you go in that small room and put water all over yourself?”
Don: “Go get your tennis ball.”
Fudgie: “Because of my tennis ball!? THAT’S REALLY FUNNY, DON!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Don: “Get your Tennis Ball!!!”
Fudgie: “In the morning I bring you toys when you’re putting water all over yourself in the Little Water Room, but you keep throwing the toys out!!! I LOVE to have toys when I’m in the water!! They’re fun!! Tennis balls, rubber balls, logs, rotten crabs….!!!!! Why do you keep throwing the toys out of the Little Water Room, Don?! Don?!?!? WHY?!?!”
Don: “GET YOUR TENNIS BALL.”
Fudgie: “I FORGOT!!!”
Don: “Where the hell are my keys?”
Fudgie: “I’ll help you find them!!!!”
Don: “DOWN DAMMIT!!! NO JUMPIES!!”
Fudgie: “I will find your keys, Don!!! I will find them!!!”
Don: “DOOOWWWWNNNN!!!! GAWD!!!!”
Fudgie: “I’m thirsty. Did you find your keys?!”
Don: “Are you thirsty?”
Fudgie: “Yes!!! I’m super thirsty!!!!!”
Don: <<<< Cleans and fills the water bowl >>>>
Fudgie: “YAAAAAAYYYY!!!!”
<<<< SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH! >>>>
<<<< GULP! GULP! GULP! >>>>
Don: “Jeebus! How did the water get that filthy that quickly?!”
Fudgie: “BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! YOU ARE SO FUNNY, DON!!!!!!”
Don: “DOWN!!!!”
Fudgie: “…i love you……….!”
Don: “That’s better. Let’s get your tennis ball and let’s go to the beach.”
Fudgie: “YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! TENNIS BALLS!!!!!!! BEACH TIME!!!!”
Don: “GET IN THE TRUCK, DAMMIT!!!!!“
Fudgie: “I have my tennis ball in case you forget yours and want to play fetch, Don!!!!”
Don: “UP UP!!!“
Fudgie: “YAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!”
Don: “UP, DAMMIT!“
Don: “I wish these roads were laid out and marked more sensibly.”
Fudgie: “ARE WE AT THE BEACH?!?!”
Don: “I can’t see out my mirrors with your fat head in them, Marz! And your breath STINKS. Get in the back!”
Fudgie: “OK!!! How long until we’re at the beach?!?! Don!!! How long?!?!?! I have my tennis ball!!! I hate Tom Petty, Don!! Can you turn down the radio?!?! Is Tom Petty going to be playing all day?!?!? We should get a tennis ball for Tom Petty!!! I only have one tennis ball left, Don! Don!!!!! Donnnnn!!!!! DON! DO YOU HAVE A TENNIS BALL?!?!?!“
Don: “Stop Whining! Stop Barking, you little shit!!!”
@twosaltydogs #lab #fetchdog #mainedog #excited #chocolatelab #waterdog #midcoastmaine
♬ original sound – twosaltydogs
<<<< Don pulls up to the East Boothbay General Store and gets out of the truck. >>>>
Fudgie: “WHERE ARE YOU GOING??!!!! WE’RE NOT AT THE BEACH YET!!!!! THIS ISN’T THE BEACH, DON!!!!“
Fudgie: “HEY!! HEY!! YOU WITH THE BREAKFAST PIZZA!!! CAN I HAVE SOME?! CAN I HAVE SOME?!?! CAN I HAVE SOME?!?!?!”
Fudgie: “HEY YOU WITH THE ICE CREAM!!!! CAN I HAVE SOME?!?!?! SOME?!?!? CAN I HAVE SOME?!?!?! CAN I LICK SOME THROUGH THE GLASS?!?!?! MMMMMMmm!!!!! Ice cream is awesome!!!”
<<<< Don gets back in the truck >>>>
Fudgie: “GUESS WHAT, DON!!!! THERE WAS A PERSON WHO HAD A BREAKFAST PIZZA!!!! I ASKED FOR SOME BUT THEY WOULDN’T LET ME HAVE ANY!!! THEN THERE WAS A GUY WHO HAD SOME ICE CREAM AND I TRIED TO EAT SOME THROUGH THE GLASS, BUT I COULDN’T EAT IT THROUGH THE GLASS!!! BUT IT WAS AWESOME!”
Don: “Have you been licking the inside of my windshield?! What the hell?!!”
Fudgie: “The windshield tasted like ice cream, Don!!! You should have been here!!! It was Awesome Possum!!!!”
Don: “DAMMIT, MARZ!! THE WHOLE FRONT SEAT AND DASHBOARD IS FULL OF SLOBBER!!!!”
Fudgie: “I would like to share some of your breakfast now!”
Don: “DON’T DROOL ON ME!”
Fudgie: “Aye, Aye, Captain!!!!!”
Don eats his cranberry muffin. Then he gives Fudgie a little pinch of it when he’s done. Then Don starts eating his breakfast sandwich.
Fudgie: “It’s all gone!!! You didn’t even save a little bit for me!!!! I AM SO SAD, DON!!! NO WAIT!!!! He’s breaking the last bite in half!!!!!! I LOVE YOU DON!!!!!”
Don: “OWWW!!!!! DAMMIT, MARZ!! DON’T BITE MY FINGERS!!!!!”
Fudgie: “Is there anything else in the bag we can eat?!?!?!
Don: “FUDGIE!!!! Get your drool off my breakfast!!!!”
Once at the beach, Don opens the door and Fudgie’s off like a brown gamma ray to the biggest pile of rotten seaweed he can find. After digging, eating, and rolling around in it, he runs around in bigger and bigger circles.
@twosaltydogs The stick doesn’t stand a chance. #boothbayharbormaine #fetchdog #mainedogs #waterdog
♬ original sound – twosaltydogs
Fudgie: “SNIFF! SNIFF! SNIFF! SNIFF!!!!! I want to pee here, and here, and here, and here and here…. and then eat this rotten seaweed, and then gnaw this big log until my gums bleed, and then kick rotten seaweed everywhere, then pee on this rock…”
Don: “KNOCK IT OFF!!! MARZ!!!!”
Fudgie: “The beach is SO FUN Don!!!! There’s so much to do!!!” Fudgie runs to the ocean and grabs a giant stick and starts running around. He runs around until he hits Don in the knees, crippling him.
Don: “OWW!!!!”
Fudgie: “Sorry!!! The stick is SO fun!!! I wish I had a bigger log with this mud!!!!!! And I’m going to pee here… and here…. and here… and here….!! PEE PEE PEE PEE PEE PEE……. PEEING IS THE BEST!!!”
Don: “Fetch Time, Fudgie!!”
Fudgie: “Was that a tennis ball?!?!? Do you have a tennis ball?!?! I LOVE TENNIS BALLS, DON!!!!!! I love to fetch!!!! I’m so glad you remembered to bring this tennis ball!!!! You are the best!!! I love you so much!!!!!
Don: “DOWN, DAMMIT!”
Don throws the ball with a Chuck-It launcher for over 45 minutes. Fudgie doggedly brings it back every time.
Don: “OK, Fudgie! Time to open the shop.”
Fudgie: “NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!! Time to escape!!” He runs away from Don and into the water with the tennis ball, expecting him to follow. Don walks slowly back up to the truck. Fudgie forgets he’s in rebellion and runs up to the truck and drops the tennis ball at Don’s feet. Don launches it on the dry side of the beach to get a lot of the water off Fudgie as he runs. When he gets back to the car, Fudgie drops the tennis ball.
Don: “Shake!”
Fudgie: “You’re silly! I don’t want to shake hands now, Don!!! We need to get back to the shop!!!!”
Don: “SHAKE!” and he makes a little side-to-side hand signal.
Fudgie: “Huh?”
Don: Staring.
Fudgie: “OH YEAH!!!!!!”
Fudgie shakes his whole body and his 100,000 hairs fling water off and onto everything within a 10ft radius, including Don and the car next to them. Like every single time after Fudgie’s been swimming.
Don: “Thank you.”
Fudgie: “I LOVE YOU, DON!!!!” and jumps up in the truck.
Don: “GROSS!!! GET IN BACK!”
Despite Fudgie’s giant head blocking Don’s rear view mirrors, they manage to back out of their parking spot safely and make it to the shop.
Fudgie: “LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT!!! LEMME OUT!!!”
Don: “Settle down you little monster!!!”
Don opens the door and Fudgie sends a new wave of rotten seaweed-tainted seawater everywhere with a fresh “SHAKE.”
Don: “DAMMIT, MARZ!!!!!”
Fudgie: “YAAAAYYYYY FOR SHAKES!!!!!”
For the next 30 minutes, Fudgie throws himself in Don’s way as Don opens the shop, puts the dog beds outside, turns on the lights, computers, switches on the heat, refills and cleans the water bowl….
Fudgie: “Morning snack time?!?!?!?!”
Don: “Get out of my way, Fudgie…”
Fudgie: “I’m worried you’ll forget my morning snack treat despite giving me one every single day for the first three and a half years of my life!!!! Where’s my treat?!?!?! I’m very hungry, Don!!! You don’t deserve a treat! You didn’t even fetch ONE tennis ball!!!”
Don: “DON’T DROOL IN THE WATERBOWL, KNUCKLEHEAD!!!!”
Fudgie scuttles away and sends Don sinister looks from the floor. Don picks a smoked pig ear from the bin, walks to the back door and throws it out on Fudgie’s dog bed. Fudgie charges out and pounces on the pig ear.
Fudgie: “NOM NOM NOM!!!!”
@twosaltydogs I’ve got all three of the Tri-Colored Beasts today. I’ve been giving them treats so they don’t attack the customers. hurry before I run out of treats!!!! #labradorretriever #yellowlab #blacklab #chocolatelab #dogtreats
♬ original sound – twosaltydogs
Five minutes later, Fudgie scratches at the back door to come in.
Don: “What?”
Fudgie: “I miss you!!!”
Don: “For the love of everything holy…”
Fudgie goes onto the shop floor and drinks/splashes around a whole fresh bowl of water. Then he chases customers down and let’s the water/drool solution cascade onto people’s feet.
Fudgie: “Let’s play!!!”
Customers: “OH GOD…”
Don: “FUDGIE!!!!”
Fudgie: “Hi!!!”
Don puts him behind the counter. The shop floor looks like a dog was simultaneously peeing and casually exploring the shop. Great for business.
For the rest of the afternoon, Fudgie goes out to assault all kinds of feeble senior citizens and children with exuberant kindness.
Auggie has taught him how to clean up at the free treat bowl by looking pathetic and shying away from Don whenever he comes by the treat bowl. This makes the hapless customers think Don beats Fudgie the second no one’s looking. The interaction is also tinged with intimations that Fudgie is starved despite being pretty damn chunky and demanding of the treats.
Every day, Don brings the dogs to the lawn across the shop for a ritual bodily excretions and to break the day up into small, survivable segments rather than a constant Bataan Death March with bodies everywhere.
Don: “OK Marz. Poopie and Peepee time.”
Fudgie: “YYYYAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!”
As they are leaving the Two Salty Dogs “parking lot,” Marz goes ahead of Don’s outstretched hand and almost into the street.
Don: “MARZ!!!! BAD DOG!!! STAY BEHIND MY HAND!!! GET BACK!!!!!! BAD DOG!!!!!“
A woman in the passenger seat of a convertible passes by and yells at Don, “STOP ABUSING THAT ANIMAL!!!”
Fudgie: “YYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!”
Don: “GO POUND TIDE PODS UP YOUR ASS, MY DARLING.”
Woman: “F*** YOU!!!”
Fudgie: “YYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!”
Don: “STAY, MARZ, STAY!!!!!”
Fudgie: “I will stay here for you, for as long as you want, Don!!!!!”
Once there’s no traffic, Don gives the release signal and Fudgie bolts across the road to the lawn.
Fudgie: “YYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!”
Don: “STAY ON THE LAWN, DAMMIT!!!”
Fudgie: “I love the lawn, Don!!! I love it so much!! I will stay on it for you forever!! I love you!”
Fudgie: Running aorund the lawn with his nose to the ground: SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF…..
Don looks at his phone. Answers some texts. Sits his fat ass down on the steps.
Fudgie: SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF…..
Don: “OK, Fudgie. Let’s get back…”
Fudgie: SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF…..
Don: Puts a hand gently on Fudgie’s head, “Let’s go.”
Fudgie: SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF…..
Don: “Time for a snack.”
Fudgie bolts for the shop.
Don: “SSSSTTTTTTAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!”
Fudgie stops before the asphalt and comes back to Don, looking a little embarrassed.
Don: “Good Dog.”
Fudgie: “YYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Two hours go by pretty uneventfully. Then it’s time to close the shop.
Fudgie: “Can I help Don? Can I help Don? Can I help? Are we going home now?”
Don: “Dammit, Fudgie!!! Get out of my way!!! And get off your bed! I need to put it in the shed.”
Fudgie stays where he is.
Don: “Fudgie, do you want dinner?”
On the way back to the cabin, “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon comes on the radio and Don starts singing along:
He’s the hairy-handed gent
The Late, Great Warren Zevon
Who ran amok in Kent.
Lately he’s been overheard in Mayfair.
You better stay away from him
He’ll rip your lungs out Jim
Huh, I’d like to meet his tailor
Aaahoo!
Werewolves of London
Aaahoo!
Don: “Aaahooo!!!!”
Fudgie: “What?”
Don: “AAAAHOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
Fudgie: “Don, that’s really annoying!!!!”
Don: “AAAAAHOOOOOOOOO!!!!“
Fudgie: “KNOCK IT OFF, DON!!! THAT’S REALLY ANNOYING!!!”
Don: “AAA-HOOO..”
Fudgie: “HOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
Fudgie: “STOP MAKING ME DO THAT!!!”
Don: “AAAA – HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
Fudgie: “STOP MAKING ME…. HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
Don: “I love you, Fudgie. Let’s get dinner.”
Fudgie: “DINNER?!? I LOVE DINNER!!!”
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